Sep 16, 2012

Blog Kindergarten: A Bossy Tutorial. Rosh Hashanah.

In Hebrew, Rosh Hashanah means “Head of the year”.

Rosh Hashanah is observed the first and second day of the seventh month of the Jewish calendar. And by Jewish calendar Bossy does not mean this:

But rather, this:

The holiday has four different meanings. It is:

• The Jewish New Year
• The Day of Judgment
• The Day of Remembrance
• The Day of the Sounding of the Shofar
• And the Day of Outlet-Mall Shopping makes five

No work is permitted on Rosh Hashanah. Unless you work for the federal government, local unions, most school districts, major hospitals, accounting firms, county libraries, banks, architecture firms, retail stores, law practices, engineering companies, hotel chains, municipal service industries, major league sports teams, computer software designers, public transportation systems, or the federal post office. Or for Bossy’s employers.

As exciting as Christmas minus all the sparkly gifts, the tree, the eggnog, the mistletoe, the caroling, and the turkey — Rosh Hashanah marks the day when the Jews head to the synagogue to examine their past deeds, ask for forgiveness, contemplate their history, pray for Israel, and blow. The Shofar.

The Shofar is a ram’s horn that is blown like a trumpet during the synagogue service, symbolically awakening the congregation and warning them of their coming judgment. There are four different Shofar notes of various tones and suspension: the tekiah, the shevarim, the teruah, and the tekia gedolah. And the what-in-Mary’s-name-was-that? makes five.

The Mahzor is a special prayer book used for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, which includes the prayer, “Who is like unto you, O God… and you will cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.” Followed by the prayer, “Who, like, is unto what, and who exactly are we casting because Bossy is really good at that.”

On the first night of the two-day celebration, the Rosh Hashanah meal features apples and carrots dipped in honey to symbolize the sweetness of the coming year. Round challah bread is served to symbolize the cyclical nature of the year. And Tongue or other meats from the head are often served to symbolize the head of the year.

Similarly, sirloin tips or other meats from the ass can be served to symbolize the shitty things you’re gah willing leaving behind.

And then, on the second night of the celebration, this is when, um, yeah!

L’shanah tovah!

permanent link to post

15 comments

1. 1
   on September 16th, 2012 at 3:24 pm
   Lisa Rae @ smacksy said:

   Love this. Happiest New Year!
   xxoxoxo L


2. 2
   on September 16th, 2012 at 6:11 pm
   Jenn @ Juggling Life said:

   I sure know more than I did before I read this. Thanks.


3. 3
   on September 17th, 2012 at 9:28 am
   joeinvegas said:

   Thank you for being so educational. And happy head of the year.


4. 4
   on September 17th, 2012 at 9:42 am
   dexter said:

   Gonna party like its 5799


5. 5
   on September 17th, 2012 at 9:39 pm
   bossysMom said:

   Funny. I had to refer back to this post this morning to see if the bank was open….I’m not kidding.


6. 6
   on September 18th, 2012 at 2:32 pm
   Liz in Virginia said:

   Hysterical and informative! I’m impressed!


7. 7
   on September 18th, 2012 at 7:49 pm
   Rachel, BacknGrooveMom said:

   This is the cat’s meow or shall I say cow’s meow!
   Love it!
   Happy New Year – R


8. 8
   on September 26th, 2012 at 9:37 am
   Nick said:

   Rosh Hashanah? Yes, know him well, he sold me a Chevy once.


9. 9
   on September 26th, 2012 at 11:36 am
   Her Ace in the Hole said:

   Gah willing, I will be forgiven for stealing my neighbor’s lawn ornaments and for wanting to sometimes pinch other people’s children.


10. 10
    on September 26th, 2012 at 2:00 pm
    KathyB said:

    Thank you, Bossy. Once again you share wisdom and wisecracks all in a swoop.


11. 11
    on October 2nd, 2012 at 4:35 pm
    jane s. said:

    Did you get to visit a synagogue? . . . Also, I would like to thank you for the Duggar’s laundry soap recipe. I’ve been using it for 2 years now

    J.S.


12. 12
    on October 10th, 2012 at 3:57 pm
    Dirk Diggler said:

    I once dated a girl who gave me “Head for a year”. Does that count? – dd

    You still hungry? Then feast on this.


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