Jul 21, 2008

Scenes From The Red-Eye.

Imagine if you will: one country music singer. OK, maybe she’s Bossy and not a country music singer—but maybe she paid to have her head dipped in bleach so she could look exactly like one.

And imagine that this Bossy nee country music singer has just boarded an airplane, and it’s 10 pm, and this Bossy has been out all day scaling the streets of San Francisco with her and her and her daughter—and raise your hand if you’re tired of hearing about how much Bossy loves Mocha Momma. Put your hand down, Mocha Momma.

So. This Bossy with the white hair and the palpitating heart and sore feet, she has come to rest in the red-eye ship back to the East coast. And to improve her chances for sleep, this Bossy has purchased a neck pillow even though she suggested to Bossy in the airport bar that airline pillows aren’t nearly as effective as falling face first into a tall beer.

But back to Bossy, who was perfectly situated in her aircraft seat when guess who arrives to be her seatmate? Exactly. Kramer.

So right there in her plane seat, Bossy texts her new friend to tell him that she is sitting next to Kramer and she would take a photo to prove it, and that’s when the ship lifts into the air toward the East coast:

Bossy situates her new pillow, and she tosses and turns and tosses some more. And then she steals another glance at Kramer:

Bossy decides her seatmate isn’t quite as Kramer-ish when he is asking the attendant for water. Because he doesn’t just want water, he wants to make sure that the water will be served room temperature and delivered without ice.

Which is when it hits Bossy that her seatmate isn’t Kramer, her seatmate is Anthony Bordain.

And then Bossy begins to fall a little in love with her seatmate, and the intent of her seatmate’s jaw and the arc of his furrowed brow. And so Bossy and her seatmate marry while the rest of the plane falls into troubled sleeps:

Bossy loves everything about her new husband, even though she doesn’t know anything about her new husband. In fact Bossy hasn’t really interacted with her new husband except to pass him a folded airline blanket. But he embraced that folded airline blanket and arranged it right there on the lap of his stonewashed Lee jeans while he… wait. New husband? Are you going to sleep all flight, new husband?

No matter. Bossy is an independent style wife, so she busied herself by counting the number of times her new husband’s head fell slack to his polyester windbreaker, and she busied herself by watching the sun trip over the horizon.

And then Bossy’s husband went to the restroom, which is when Bossy noticed that his orthopedic sneakers were worn thin as dimes toward the outer edge of his soles, and Bossy can’t have sex with a man who chronically rolls his feet along the outer edge. And so Bossy and her plane husband got a divorce.

And Bossy still didn’t sleep one wink. The end.

More BlogHer conference details forthcoming. As soon as Bossy gets more than thirty seconds of sleep.

permanent link to post

73 comments

1. 1
   on July 21st, 2008 at 11:32 am
   jp said:

   Thank God you got divorced! Lee Jeans???……..no way!

   Hey, whose cute piggies are those???


2. 2
   on July 21st, 2008 at 11:33 am
   Momo Fali said:

   Bossy has more husbands than Duggars have kids.


3. 3
   on July 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am
   Jason said:

   Whew! That was one rollercoaster ride of a marriage. And your real husband always takes you back, doesn’t he?

   Looks like you shoulda gone for falling face first into that tall beer.

   But. . . even though you got no sleep, aren’t you glad that you FLEW back across the country?


4. 4
   on July 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am
   MammaLoves said:

   Plane husband looked a little more Sopranos to me. Can you really “leave” the mob?


5. 5
   on July 21st, 2008 at 11:56 am
   Jenn @ Juggling Life said:

   Was that an empty seat between Bossy and hubby? Because I haven’t seen an empty seat on a plane in several years!


6. 6
   on July 21st, 2008 at 11:58 am
   vuboq said:

   hope you get caught up on all your sleep soon! can’t wait to read about your blogher adventures


7. 7
   on July 21st, 2008 at 11:59 am
   Jacquie said:

   Oh, how I loathe red eye. But that is mostly because I am usually responsible for my children and therefore unable to appropriately dose myself with narcotics that contain warnings about the possibility that I’ll never wake again. Booze only works for a nap, after which you wake thirsty, but if you drink you’ll have to pee and that will worry you so much that you wont sleep. Drugs, silly Bossy. Drugs.

   http://meandyouandellie.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-hated-that-bag-anyway.html


8. 8
   on July 21st, 2008 at 12:00 pm
   Crabby McSlacker said:

   I can’t sleep on planes either, but it’s not because I do fun things like marry my seatmates.

   I need to be awake to clutch on the armrests, single-handedly keeping the plane from crashing.


9. 9
   on July 21st, 2008 at 12:03 pm
   Jozet at Halushki said:

   Dang. I can never afford the good marriage seats.

   I always get stuck next to some guy who tries to grope my thigh all flight and whispers filthy things to me in Italian.


10. 10
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
    andrea said:

    Get some sleep so you’ll be all rested up for when you share all your fun Blogher stories!!!


11. 11
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:22 pm
    surcie said:

    I love that Bossy practices polygamy so I don’t have to.


12. 12
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
    Foolery said:

    Wait — you avoided meeting Guy Kawasaki AND you turned down an opportunity to join the Mile High Club? Huh.

    Of course, you DO know that Kramer Bordain has been broadcasting that he met, married, BOINKED and divorced a hot Nashville starlet on the red eye, don’t you?


13. 13
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
    Kristabella said:

    Man, Kramer has really let himself go.

    I think I drooled on my flight when I fell asleep because Chatty Cathy next to me wouldn’t talk to me after I woke up. She must have been grossed out my line of saliva on my jacket.


14. 14
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:39 pm
    Maria said:

    Last time I flew in from the West Coast on the red eye I thought it’d be rad to down some tequila first because I’m scared to fly and drinking before doing grown-up things never gets old. Except for when you’re crying during takeoff and over the movie selection and until you’ve passed out on your husband’s shoulder. -_-


15. 15
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
    Eden said:

    Nah. If that were Anthony Bourdain, he’d have ordered booze.


16. 16
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
    Heather said:

    10 pm pac time red eye??

    That mean whaaaaaa 5 hours fly time plus the 4 hour time difference divided by the cosign of pi…

    So is it Tuesday where your at? If so – can I have the Monday night winning pick 6 numbers?


17. 17
    on July 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
    Deb said:

    1) You had an empty middle seat? Praise the red-eye!
    2) I never sleep. Must focus on helping.the pilot.not.crash.


18. 18
    on July 21st, 2008 at 1:24 pm
    Smalltown Mom said:

    At last, a picture of all of Bossy’s hair.


19. 19
    on July 21st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
    The Domestic Goddess said:

    Ugh. Red eye. There’s a reason they call it that, too. Thank goodness we can’t do those with kids…


20. 20
    on July 21st, 2008 at 1:47 pm
    Avitable said:

    So you took a picture of yourself pretending to sleep on the plane? Did your new husband think that you were crazy?


21. 21
    on July 21st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
    JCK said:

    I was deeply troubled until I read of your divorce.

    Great to see you at the conference! Glad you got home safe.


22. 22
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
    Tootsie Farklepants said:

    I admit it. It was me who had to out click the Wiki link so see who this Anthony person is. I’m relieved to hear about the divorce because the whole “water request” thing sounds a little high maintenance and I could picture BOSSY having to meet unlimited unreasonable demands for her new husband. Like which way the toilet paper roll faces and the thread count of his sheets. That have to be washed by hand.


23. 23
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
    Auds at Barking Mad said:

    Does John Cusack know of Bossy’s divorce?


24. 24
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:15 pm
    Madness said:

    Madness is SO happy to see Bossy has returned from BlogHer .. and Man oh Man youre racking up alomony like a CHAMP. Bossy .. youre the BOSS!
    Love,
    Madness


25. 25
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:29 pm
    biddy said:

    mr. bossy #1 is never going to let bossy out of the house again if she keeps getting married!

    *pout* bossy could totally text biddy…i’m just sayin


26. 26
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:34 pm
    Jami said:

    I’ll share Anthony B (as I like to call him) but only on the plane. He and I are also married, you know. You can tell because we both wear a ring on our thumb.


27. 27
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:35 pm
    Grandma J said:

    Bossy really got lucky with that extra seat between her and Kramer. I would have raised the armrest and skooched y legs up on that seat so I could sleep agains the window with my new pillow….or once married, lay my head on hubby’s lap. yep, that’s how Grandma J likes to fly! And on take off is Kramer making the sign of the cross? That’s something Grandma J does too.
    Amen.


28. 28
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:35 pm
    Emily R said:

    If your ex-husband isn’t Anthony Bourdain, I just don’t know who is.


29. 29
    on July 21st, 2008 at 2:54 pm
    Jodi aka soNOTcool said:

    I’m glad you’re home safe and sound, though married and divorced … and half-guilty of polygamy.


30. 30
    on July 21st, 2008 at 3:05 pm
    mr. lootiatto said:

    Wait…are we sure Kramer/Bowdin (whatever) didn’t
    shave off 1/2 of bossys right eyebrow while she dozed?


31. 31
    on July 21st, 2008 at 3:16 pm
    Kiki said:

    Yer hair looks fine.
    Fancy even.. Fancy don’t let me down.


32. 32
    on July 21st, 2008 at 3:19 pm
    Manic Mommy said:

    Personally, I thought Bossy’s new ex-husband looked like that weird stalker guy from “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire.” No, not Jay Thomas.

    I just picture him clicking over to your blog and thinking ‘wha..???’


33. 33
    on July 21st, 2008 at 3:26 pm
    Katy said:

    What a sad story. What an emotional roller coaster you must have experienced on your red-eye. I’m glad you didn’t have children on the flight.

    Katy
    http://mynutvillage.com/


34. 34
    on July 21st, 2008 at 3:32 pm
    Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said:

    Bossy,

    You can cut the tag from the pillow. It will not violate federal law.

    Love, Cheri


35. 35
    on July 21st, 2008 at 3:37 pm
    Dawn said:

    “I need to be awake to clutch on the armrests, single-handedly keeping the plane from crashing.”

    Me, too. It’s very tiring.

    Also, we over-supinators need love too, ya know.

    http://www.thefreedictionary.com/supinate


36. 36
    on July 21st, 2008 at 3:46 pm
    Camille said:

    Kramer would have walked in his shoes correctly.


37. 37
    on July 21st, 2008 at 4:22 pm
    Catherine said:

    Bossy helped make my weekend. I felt y’all should know that.


38. 38
    on July 21st, 2008 at 4:29 pm
    Lara said:

    i have long been in love with mocha momma, but i am now, post-blogher, beginning to fall a little bit in love with bossy as well. so i’m glad you got a plane divorce, because maybe someday we can get a plane civil union or something.


39. 39
    on July 21st, 2008 at 4:35 pm
    Ali B. said:

    Jozet at Halushki (comment #, oh, I don’t know – 9 or 10 or thereabouts) has much more fun on plane rides than I do.


40. 40
    on July 21st, 2008 at 5:01 pm
    Channah said:

    Bwahahaha! I do that, too, when tired on flights. I sit there, in my half-awake stupor, and make up stories about the other passengers.


41. 41
    on July 21st, 2008 at 5:14 pm
    Megan said:

    Who is the chicky with the feet up? She is very bendy. Maybe you should marry her instead?


42. 42
    on July 21st, 2008 at 5:33 pm
    Beth from the Funny Farm said:

    Husbands are SOOO over-rated. Give me a wife any day!


43. 43
    on July 21st, 2008 at 6:12 pm
    Chesapeake Bay Woman said:

    Bossy’s husband isn’t Hollywood, and Bossy’s hair isn’t Dollywood.

    But Bossy’s husband stories sure do make me laugh.


44. 44
    on July 21st, 2008 at 6:45 pm
    Bush Babe said:

    Funny. Wonder how Bossy’s ex-husband is coping with the divorce. Or with being featured on his ex-wife’s blog? Man you are brave… I get nervous sticking photos of my friends up in case they stop talking to me!

    You have balls, methinks! In the nicest possible way. Go sleep!
    BB


45. 45
    on July 21st, 2008 at 7:17 pm
    Kim said:

    Is that Bossy’s boobage obstructing photo number 8?

    Way to go, Bossy!


46. 46
    on July 21st, 2008 at 7:44 pm
    dexter said:

    Unless Bossys hair color appointment came with a free boob job, I dont think that was her boobage. I dont think she would refer to herself as “pancake boobs” with those.


47. 47
    on July 21st, 2008 at 7:54 pm
    All Adither said:

    Wouldn’t you have been mortified if your flash had gone off while taking those shots??


48. 48
    on July 21st, 2008 at 8:10 pm
    honeywine said:

    Should have went with the beer! But as a country star, you should have been carrying valium. I think it’s illegal for you NOT to be carrying valium.


49. 49
    on July 21st, 2008 at 8:21 pm
    amanda said:

    I am kind of disappointed you didn’t do shots with him the whole way home. I’ve always said I’d like to have him to a dinner party because he looks like he’d be lots of fun. But water? Hmm.


50. 50
    on July 21st, 2008 at 8:50 pm
    Eloise said:

    I can’t believe it’s already time for Bossy to return home. Didn’t we just GET to San Francisco?

    Cracking up at the comment about Bossy’s *boobage* in picture #8. Not pancake boobs indeed…


51. 51
    on July 21st, 2008 at 9:12 pm
    Christal said:

    Hey! I like your hair!


52. 52
    on July 21st, 2008 at 9:29 pm
    meleah rebeccah said:

    Stone Washed Lee jeans are a justified CAUSE for DIVORCE. Just ask any lawyer.


53. 53
    on July 21st, 2008 at 9:39 pm
    Wendy said:

    Admit it, Bossy. You got divorced not because of the shoes, but because of that OTHER guy in row, the one sleeping with his mouth open. Am I right?

    I figure there are NO accidents in Bossy photos (even if they don’t involve seagulls).


54. 54
    on July 21st, 2008 at 9:41 pm
    Maria said:

    It was awessssoommme to meet you. I saw Kramer too. Your plane looked so much more comfy than ours. Damn Delta.


55. 55
    on July 21st, 2008 at 9:51 pm
    wrekehavoc said:

    you couldn’t have found bourdain. he was busy messing with my friend’s birthday party on saturday (not my blog):

    http://nylonthread.blogspot.com/2008/07/happy-birthday-to-me.html

    how come i only get seated next to the old ladies who want to set me up with their grandson (which might be somewhat objectionable to my husband, of course.)


56. 56
    on July 21st, 2008 at 11:19 pm
    ellen said:

    I’m so glad I am not the only one with a crush on Anthony Bourdain. Although, no matter how much he begs, I am NOT kissing him on the mouth. He eats bugs, and poop shoots. Srsly.


57. 57
    on July 21st, 2008 at 11:38 pm
    Katie said:

    I’ve met Kramer before. He’s kind of a jerk. Al Pacino though, he’s incredibly nice. And ooooold. Skeet Ulrich is gorgeous. Sometimes I miss living in Los Angeles.

    So wishing I’d been at BlogHer, even if it meant a redeye flight all the way back.


58. 58
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 12:08 am
    kate said:

    i’m so dumb. i really thought it was kramer. then i had to google that other guy, anthony whatever.


59. 59
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 12:38 am
    Mrs. G. said:

    Bossy, I think that was James Brolin. Welcome back, Chiquita!


60. 60
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 4:18 am
    Just Jamie said:

    I met my husband on a plane. Sure did. So, it happens.

    Wonder if it will end the same way as your plane marriage…


61. 61
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 8:03 am
    katia said:

    Oh, that poor unsuspecting lout. I love it!


62. 62
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 8:21 am
    Kelley said:

    Bossy needs to come over to my blog and meet my new boyfriend. He is on a plane right now to the Vatican apparently.

    And my new boyfriend would totally give you a blanket AND tuck you in.


63. 63
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
    Adorable Girlfriend said:

    Me thinks Stella could have loved that flight and limited space.


64. 64
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
    Elaine said:

    Did he know you were taking those first pics of him? Sorry it didn’t work out between you and Kramer.


65. 65
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 4:43 pm
    natalie said:

    it looks like you had tons of fun in sanfran. and then a quickie marriage and divorce as well. what a full trip you had!


66. 66
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 5:58 pm
    boots586 said:

    Anthony B wears boots. And a wedding ring. And has a baby. Do you really want to raise another child? Just when yours are getting manageable?


67. 67
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
    Megan said:

    i think your new hubby looks like Elaine’s boss & not Kramer. Can’t remember his name.


68. 68
    on July 22nd, 2008 at 8:37 pm
    alice said:

    If only you had listened to me, and drank more.


69. 69
    on July 23rd, 2008 at 1:03 am
    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said:

    Did Bossy sign a prenup? Will there be alimony?


70. 70
    on July 23rd, 2008 at 9:42 am
    the jackie said:

    girl, i think your hair looks great!


71. 71
    on July 24th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
    Stephanie said:

    Bossy is funny! Congratulations and condolences at the same time on your plane romance.


72. 72
    on July 26th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
    jenB said:

    I am singing the refrain of “I didn’t get to spend enough time with you at BlogHer” adding to that “I love you Bossy”. You are honey on a biscuit my little sucre biscuit.


73. 73
    on July 28th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
    Sparx said:

    Hey, digging the hair!