Jun 5, 2009
Blog Kindergarten: A Bossy Tutorial. How To Jog.
Bossy has written before about her habit of jogging most mornings, even if her version of jogging is the athletic equivalent of a paralyzing stutter. Neither Bossy’s jog nor the paralyzing stutter are any good in public.
Even though Bossy has been running all but the first fifteen years of life, Bossy is not very sporty and wastes a lot of movement when jogging, expending random energy on things like gasping for the air that is trapped in her collapsing windpipe. So Bossy decided to do some research on running to see if she could acquire a few tips to help her become more fluid and efficient.
As luck would have it, Bossy zeroed right in on an instructional jogging video on YouTube, where zeroed in equals first she watched a video of Gwen Stefani jogging past the paparazzi and then a video of Gwen and bassist Tony Kanal in a bathroom together and then a video of Gwen leaving a rehearsal studio and then it was time for Bossy to celebrate her 80th birthday.
Shall we begin?
The main piece of advice offered on the instructional jogging video is to perform a thorough body scan every time you run, from the top of your head to your feet, to make sure you are keeping good form.
The head must be up with your eyes looking straight ahead. If you don’t follow this form, you will begin to lean forward.
Moving down, make sure the shoulders are back and relaxed and are not hunched, which creates tension.
According to the instructional video, the abdominal region needs to be strong in order to create a solid platform for your legs.
In order to achieve a strong abdominal region you need to switch your core muscles on, and gah why didn’t anyone tell Bossy that region had a switch? That information could have saved Bossy hours minutes of doing this.
After you have flipped the switch for a strong abdominal region, make sure your hips are up, because if your hips are down you tend to lean forward.
The arms are critical when it comes to generating forward movement. Avoid arms that swing across the body — make sure the arms move back and forth in a straight motion, with the elbows almost brushing against the body, bent at a 90-degree angle.
Speaking of arms, the hands should not be clenched, so Instructional Boyfriend says you should imagine a large crisp, and imagine holding that large crisp, and then, if you’re Bossy, imagine you’re eating that large crisp.
Of course the primary area of concern when jogging are the legs, and to ensure a proper running technique with the legs, the instructor suggests you have a nice hiney. At least that’s what Bossy thought he said until she realized he was saying a nice high knee.
The instructional video also suggests landing on the heel while the toes push off on the opposing foot. According to Instructional Boyfriend, this maneuver powers you forward even though Bossy is pretty sure she’s never powered anywhere in her whole life.
Instructional Boyfriend then runs around a parking lot super fast, where Instructional Boyfriend equals a blur of a glow stick.
Finally, the instructional video offers suggestions on various techniques for running uphill. Those specific tips are as follows: sister mercy who runs uphill?
Siser mercy who runs?
Nice Tension arrows!
Mike’s got nice legs and a lot of tension. I thought running was supposed to relieve tension?!
That man scares me.
I love running hills! But that’s beside the point. The point is, I totally disagree about not leaning forward. Forget that running man, Bossy, and take instruction from the Chi of Running book (in which the author says, “Dude! Look at the world class Kenyans. They run with a lean,”) This helps prevent injury and maximize your energy use.
Also, when we were in London, walking through the parks, we could easily pick out the American runners v. the British ones. Trust me, the Americans didn’t look nearly as ridiculous.
I run hills. Because I live on a lake, and uphill is pretty much the only option.
My mom (who has run for decades and has the worst form EVER) told me that people with really good form actually burn a lot less calories, because they’re efficient. So if your goal is to burn calories, it’s GOOD you don’t run like Mr. Wee Shorts there. I have really good form from years of running for soccer. That’s why it doesn’t seem to make me skinny. That’s what I tell myself, anyway. The milkshakes have nothing to do with it.
Perhaps he shouldn’t have filmed the video in a place that was quiet so windy, like, you know, England.
And I always thought it was Kate Bush that was running up that hill.
Nice gams, though. I’d do him.
I’m a runner (when I’m not healing from the dreaded PF as I am now) and what he says is pretty true. But honestly, I never think about any of it. I just go out and run. LOL
Lean over and keep your eyes on the ground—-otherwise,you will trip and fall and break your clavicle or your humurus!
I agree. Leaning forward while running gives me the momentum to continue onward. I am constantly stumbling forward in order to avoid face wheelies on the pavement. I burn 6 or 7 calories that way.
Imagine holding a Crisp? Above all things, a crisp? How about holding a tiny feather or something you wouldn’t clench?
Usually I am holding my chest btw.
Bloody brits!
Hiney – high knee
Bossy, you slay me!
I just poked my mind’s eye out gazing at those shorts….
I hate running. Despise it. But maybe I’d follow that nice high knee.
must go back and read words now. there were words in that post, right?
After all that video, did you actually get to go outside and practise?
Oy vey… I’ve started running (I get out-walked by old ladies, that’s the kind of speed attain…)
It’s about all I can do to make sure I’m not actively dying the whole damn time… think about posture? Um, no.
I’m sure if we all had streamlined bodies and sexy legs like Mr. Daisy Dukes there, jogging would be just that easy!
Hard to keep your core firm and your knees high when you’re constantly distracted by a persistent jiggling around the middle. Did he have any tips for that?
a nice hiney… guffaw.
Gosh, all that tension got me so unfocussed. That man needs to relax or no woman will ever learn how to jog.
You and I (and everyone else) noticed the same feature right off the bat. I didn’t know men wore shorts that short anymore.
You run? That’s how you keep that cute high-knee of yours so trim?
I tried running. Once.
Omg, hilarious. I am training for a half-marathon in August, and the *only* thing keeping me going is seeing what other people run in. The clothing and gear kills me dead – always funny.
Note to self: Do not read Bossy at work, because when you laugh out loud, your neighbors will come to see hwy you are laughing.
British crisps = Merkan chips.
British chips = Merkan French fries.
Now I need a snack.
There are times when it’s hard to type because i’m still holding my core from laughing. This is one of them. Core hurts too much to jog.
Crisps, high knee…..who?
I was lost after the Trouser Bump.
I run up hills in an attempt to get a nice hiney.
Thanks, that made me laugh!
I run with my arms across my chest, hugging my boobs so as not to bounce like Tigger.
Tried one of those expensive non-bounce jog-bras for the well endowed….doesn’t work. I’d have to wear three of them to achieve minimum movement.
I need a crisp.
he can hold my crisp any time.
OK, those are some bumps in those shorts. They make it hard to concentrate, you know? What is going on in there?!
Running uphill? bah! who’d wanna do that?
the only thing i run for is food. the end.
Will you ask your Instructional (hot pants wearing!) Boyfriend what to do if you start jogging and your achilles tendopns hurt so bad in the morning you end up walking like Walter Matthau for 2 hours?
I seriously thought you were building up to that man’s penis flashing us! He came darn close.
Jogging. No. Thanks.
just reading this post made me completely exhausted!
(I apologize if this is a repeat – my original comment disappeared.)
I should be the last person to challenge an Instructional Boyfriend, however he sounds like he’s describing sprinting vs. long distance running or jogging.
Regardless, after conducting his head to toe check he should stop mid-way down, do an about face and sprint right on back into the house to change those britches, preferably into something which covers his highknee hiney and lump, where lump equals teeny weenie.
I thought they stopped making those shorts in 1979.
IB (Instructional Boyfriend) should wear an athletic supporter if he is going to wear those vintage shorts. It would work much the same way as 5 sports bras would work on me.
Having once taken a very long walk with Bossy, I would imagine she is quite good at running due to her long stride. I dabble in running (not often enough for my hiney to thank me, however), and the best running advice I’ve ever read is to breath in for three footfalls and out for two. As in step-step-step = breathing in, step-step = breathing out. When you switch to two steps in and two steps out, you hit anaerobic breathing, which does something totally different to your body and blood vessels, and whatever else science science blah blah that I can’t recall but I do know is supposed to be less good for aerobic conditioning. Also, it generally means you are running uphill. Which I personally try to avoid at every opportunity.
You had me at ‘tension’
Anyone with a day glo running suit is someone to be listened to in my book.
that’s HAWT
Running? I did that once. I was being chased by a bear. No shit. Although, seeing how Bossy rawks the bodysuit in the exercise ball tutorial, maybe I should reconsider?
Bossy, why the rubber bands?
I heart Instructional Boyfriend! And also, Bossy.
I’m picturing me running with an apple crisp, which usually weighs about 12 pounds. After the requisite and unavoidable 15-20 steps it’s into the house for me, to look for a spork. Thanks anyway, though.
Awwww, he wears Cute Little Shorts! Awwww.
I don’t really ever want to watch anything ever again. I want YOU to watch it and then write about it.
Bossy, you crack me up.
Laughing is the only exercise I get.
Reading you, I get a lot of it.
My diet doctor thanks you.
Fortunately, he doesn’t read the comments.