Dec 19, 2011
The Speech Bossy Wasn’t Allowed To Give When Her Office Had A Holiday Party
Hello! As some of you may know, I am Bossy, the new girl who sits at the reception desk.
You may not recognize Bossy tonight because her hair is actually dry. And for Bossy’s perpetually wet hair, she’d like to apologize. Contrary to what it seems, Bossy doesn’t enjoy looking as though she just emerged from the deep end of the public housing pool. But waking up early enough to shower has been quite the challenge for Bossy.
In fact waking up at all has been quite the challenge for Bossy.
Anyway, hello! Bossy would like to take a minute to thank you – her coworkers – for your generosity in teaching Bossy everything there is to know about the business.
For instance, Bossy knows we are in the business of investing money! And this is a coincidence because Bossy invests money! For instance, several times a day, Bossy invests in her many bills! Sometimes she invests in her grocery bill. And sometimes Bossy invests in gas. And sometimes Bossy invests in cute black boots she can wear to things like office holiday parties!
In whatever case, you’ve all been so generous. Bossy appreciates your efforts to include her as a member of the office family. Even if Bossy is the member of the office family sucking her thumb in the rubber playpen.
Still. One of Bossy’s favorite things is greeting you each morning from her position in reception. Bossy appreciates that no matter your important stature within the company, you insist on an intimate, first name basis. Bossy especially appreciates this because she doesn’t remember your last names.
But seriously. Bossy is honored to be a part of such a spirited company. It’s a veritable marketplace of ideas and innovation. A marketplace of ideas and innovation dripping with caffeine produced by coffee pods deposited in the foppish coffeemaker.
Anyway. It’s obvious our office is a place for great thinkers. It’s a place for great thinkers to realize they should be working for the investment firm located in the offices directly below ours.
But back to the holiday party! Bossy is so thrilled to be here, and to be able to help contribute to the company’s success. Especially since the company’s success pays for Bossy’s failures!
So drink up! And eat up! But mostly drink up so you won’t remember the eating.
Speaking of which, Bossy has one final thing to say before her spiked Margarita takes effect and she slips into a coma across the disco banquette: Bossy is so thrilled to be a part of the team, tonight and every day!
Except tomorrow. Tomorrow Bossy will call in sick. Cheers!
Press this link for another Bossy work story.
Oh! May I call in sick? Pretty please?
Tell you what Bossy, you’ve done such a good job why don’t you take off Friday? And maybe Monday too because you deserve it.
Cheers, Bossy!
At least Bossy is motivated to make an unspeech at her office’s holiday party. I wanted to delivery a eulogy at mine, in honor of the death of creativity, innovation,thinking and common sense in the workplace.
I didn’t even have to call in slick after mine. No alcohol. Any questions?
The government has unparties which I always unattend. Unless that’s a double negative, in which case I attend.
Those of us sadly out of work are home having a pity party every day.
Any good party stories? Lampshades on the head? Asses on the Xerox machine? Praying to the porcelain god? Artie from HR wrapping up pieces of prime rib in napkins for his “dog”?
Look up “Dooced”.
Look up “upper decker”
dammit i wanna be the girl who sits at the front desk. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, BOSSY to u and your family. All the best, and here’s to a spectacular 2012 where we all find jobs.
I have the same boots! Awesome taste Bossy!,,