Jun 20, 2006

ADVICE OF THE DAY – How to Celebrate Your First Birthday

Be allowed to tear your favorite toy limb from limb.

Parade around with your favorite toy – now torn limb from limb.

Have someone read your birthday card aloud over and over.

Stand patiently while they build a car around you.

Take a nice little drive to the local pet store…

… where you select yummy chicken treats pressed into the shape of the Warwick Castle.

Knock over small children when presented with your homemade “birthday cake”.

Fall into a chicken coma.

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6 comments

1. 1
   on June 21st, 2006 at 8:36 am
   Ella V said:

   My younger brothers will be celebrating their birthday — they’re twins! — later this week. Many years ago, during the March on Washington, they did to my father what the one-year-old in your photos did to his favorite toy – unravelled him all over the Reflecting Pool in D.C.. Unfortunately, all Martin Luther King’s horses and all MLK’s men couldn’t put our old man together again.


2. 2
   on June 21st, 2006 at 9:00 am
   Martha Stewrat said:

   That is NOT an appropriate birthday cake for a one year old.
   This IS an appropriate birthday cupcake recipe:

   2 (16-oz) cans “beef-like flavored” Alpo

   1 (16-oz) can butterscotch frosting

   2 (14-oz) bags white melting candies

   1 (8-oz) bag Liv-A-Snaps

   Directions

   Line muffin tins with muffin cups. Spoon Alpo into cups. Fill each muffin cup about 2/3 full. Bake for 7 hours at 575 degrees. Cool cupcakes for 2 weeks before removing from muffin tins to cool completely on a wire rack.

   Meanwhile, melt half of the candies according to package directions. Place in a squeeze bottle or a resealable plastic bag with a corner snipped off. Pipe paw-shaped outlines onto parchment- or wax paper-lined cookie sheets. Freeze until hard, about 10 minutes. Reserve melted candy for later. Melt remaining candies. Mix in Liv-A-Snaps. For the paws, fill in outline; for the bones, pipe bone-shaped outlines. Freeze until firm. Fill and outline bones with remaining white candy and freeze until firm.

   When cupcakes have cooled completely, pipe or spread frosting over the tops. If desired, frosting can be speckled with Liv-A-Snaps before spreading on cupcakes. Carefully remove shapes from wax paper, turn over so the flat side is on top and place on cupcakes.

   Enjoy!


3. 3
   on June 23rd, 2006 at 11:41 am
   Arlen Specter said:

   Dear Zapruder,

   Apparently you’ve never heard of wearing pajamas in the evening – moments before presentation of said cake – nor have you considered the fact that sunset takes place at 8:31 pm EST.

   love you always, Arlen.


4. 4
   on June 28th, 2006 at 7:09 am
   Zapruder said:

   Arlen,
   Another fucking cover-up! Don’t you know the Single Bullet Theory only applies to Coors Light? Anyway, here’s yet another give-away: Tthe dog lying on the couch is DIFFERENT THAN THE ONE STANDING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL! Get your Danes, right, people. That’s a puppy, not VICTOR BORGE.
   Love, Zap


5. 5
   on June 28th, 2006 at 8:47 am
   Arlen Specter said:

   Dear Zapruder,

   If you study the 2nd, 4th, and last frames through a Lumens SVGA Magnifying Projector, you can clearly see that the pet’s identification tag consistently reads ‘Dog of Bossy’. Or is that ‘Bog of Dossier’? Inconsequential. I like your new tie – did you wear that special for me?

   Still love you always, Arl.


6. 6
   on June 29th, 2006 at 10:51 pm
   Munchkin said:

   Dear Barbara,

   We represent the Lollipop Guild
   The Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild
   And in the name of the Lollipop Guild
   We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land.