Jul 17, 2006
BOSSY’S COUNTDOWN TO NEW APPLIANCES
According to Bossy’s High-Precision wall clock, the appliance delivery truck is, like, late.
With no more time to kill, Bossy regrets a weekend spent frosting cakes and hosting kids and painting shutters and managing without appliances because there was something way more important Bossy forgot to do: STALK JOHN CUSACK.
On Friday John Cusack filed a restraining order against Emily Leatherman who has been stalking him for eighteen months. And we all know a restraining order is as good as a marriage license – it has dates and witnesses and full names and stuff. So Bossy can’t help but feel broken-hearted by John’s commitment to Emily because Bossy’s been stalking him for way longer.
If Bossy knew John Cusack was reading letters of interest lobbed over his garden wall she would have launched a paper campaign a long time ago. Except Bossy’s letters of interest wouldn’t be shoved inside paper bags weighed down with screwdrivers like Emily Leatherman’s letters of interest. Bossy’s letters of interest would have been shoved inside paper bags laden with gifts of love, like frozen Veal Shanks.
And Bossy’s letters of interest would have been so completely romantic that Cusack would need to obtain a restraining order of at least 1000 feet – instead of the measly 500 feet required of Emily Leatherman.
Read All About Cusack’s Insignificant Stalker Who Isn’t Half As Crazy As Bossy His Real Stalker
I am so glad the police have finally put a stop to this endless harassment. I mean, just look at my husband – he is bloated and graying over this nightmarish time we have been going through.
We both had a good laugh over Emily using our address as her mailing address – after all that is how we hooked up in the beginning.
I wouldn’t have pressed charges if Emily had loaded her bag down with Phillips Heads. Or Bristol spline wrenches. I actually could have used a BSW to pry the hinges off the garage door last weekend. I actually could have used Bossy, too. Nobody pries like her.