Jun 12, 2007
Blog Kindergarten: A Bossy Tutorial. How To Cut Hair.
Bossy needs to turn this:
Into this:
Using this.
And this.
And this.
And this.
First: Excavate a center part from the crown to the nape of the neck. Divide the sections into two ponytails the approximate length of your desired bob. Keep in mind the center part should always remain divided with absolute precision as shown in the following photo:
Using your scissors, remove these two ponytails just like a scene from one of those movies where the family is in the Federal Witness Protection Program and they’ve just been recognized at Dairy Queen and need to begin life anew. Hand these ponytails to your mournful client.
Now take the remaining hair and once again carve a center part, drawing this line from the crown to the nape of the neck. Also create a part crosswise from ear to ear. Play a short round of Tic Tac Toe while sucking on your cocktail.
Now take all of your sections and carefully clip them up out of the way, which should look like this:
Or, um, this:
Take a few seconds to slug down the rest of your Bloody Mary.
Now according to the directions, “release a small section of hair on each side one inch thick.” A small section on each side of what? Exactly. Mix a second Bloody Mary.
Now comb down the one-inch section of hair, pulling fingers on a 90-degree angle away from the nape of the neck until the tension is tight. Cut.
Finish your Bloody Mary and hair remaining back fingers comb section clips required guide repeat nape cut obtain straight ear point across feathered inch downward first fringe show textured side equally shortest toward require layered face hair.
Repeat.
This Cool Site Gives You Hairstyle Ideas And How To Cut It Yourself
You gave me a headache with that.
Or maybe it was the vodka.
Thanks for reminding me to NEVER attempt to cut my daughter’s hair.
Loved your post, though
This is great! I’m going to try it at home. All I need is a Bossy Tutorial on color [I’m a “warm blonde”) and I won’t even need to visit Leah, the Colornatrix anymore
I need a haircut but trusting my very limited Chinese in getting exactly what I want over here is going to be hard. I haven’t cut it for over eight months now. So, I’m going to try your instructions.
Was it part your bangs like a Sodoku puzzle?
Shave anything the clips don’t hold?
Excavate your crown from the chamber of the Holy Grail?
Forget it, I’m going in for another Caesar (Canadian Bloody Mary) and leaving the really funky ponytails in my hair.
Wow, you’re brave. I tried cutting my own bangs recently. After a month of ugly, I tried again, and came up with a way to do it that made them look great. It went like this:
Make an appointment with Edgar.
Drive to Edgar’s.
Have Edgar cut my bangs.
Viola! My hair looks good again!
Hug Edgar, maybe a moment or two longer than is appropriate.
I never really thought to add bloody Marys to the mix. That was a stroke of genius.
Oh, but BOSSY has to go to NEW YORK to have HERS done.
You are more talented than I even suspected!
We had an “incident” with scissors, and I am no longer allowed near my kids’ hair with scissors;o
Bossy did a good job, though. I suspect it was the Vodka!
Well done!
My daughter is a hair stylist, so I don’t have to attempt that … but I will remember to include the Bloody Mary next time.
Brave Bossy … or should I say Brave Bossy’s Daughter
My mother once cut my brother’s ear while cutting his hair. Do you know how much ears bleed?
For nearly 15 years, I have lived vicariously through my daughter. She has the waist-length hair that my own head has never been able to manufacture. (Stupid head.) I recently gave her the okay to get it cut … most likely like a manga character. That aside, her style will require the use of a razor. Any directions out there for that, Bossy? Should I do it myself?
Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’ll take a bloody mary instead.
Oh, damn. I was signed in as my daughter. What in the hell?!
Hey, I never claimed to have an eye for detail.
I am impressed.
I have boys, clipper cuts are easier. It doesn’t matter if they are uneven because their hair is only 1/8 of an inch long.
Now there is a minor in need of a good lawyer!
Cheers
Psychomom was a big fan of Bravo’s ‘Shear Genius’ (sad it is over for this season) and has always enjoyed cutting her brother and sons hair and she cuts her own bangs regularly. Bossy did a great job and your model is a real trooper. Psychomom may have found her next career calling.
P.S. Writing in the 3rd person is not as easy as it looks.
I never have been good at “instructions” per se. BUT! You did great! Whew, right?
I think I’ll stick to cutting Barbie’s hair. Um, not that I do that anymore. No I haven’t done that in 25 years. Um…
Oh so the bloody mary was what was missing when my aunt used to cut my hair. Good to know why I’m in therapy.
I think you did a great job.
I’ve been MIA on the blog scene due to vacation for nearly five whole days (no free Internet service in the middle of the Mojave, go figure) and missed Bossy almost as much as I missed my spousal unit and my dog. But, I can at least catch up. And, as always, learn something nifty. Like the key to a great cut, apparently, is a state of total inebriation. I am on the phone to my stylist now . . .
I once cut (on her orders) a college room-mate hair. She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the school year.
I always feel more confident giving myself a haircut after a few drinks. My husband turned very pale when he noticed me looking at the hair cutting instructions — he is very afraid.
Forget the $30 haircut tonight! I’m going to do it myself! After a few drinks!
Or not. I’ll stick to cutting my husband’s hair which involves the #4 and #3 guide on the clippers.
Orangeblossoms has been cutting her own hair for years. So far so good. No alcohol necessary…. but there’s always the NEXT time.
Braver woman than I.
Is that a rats nest??
So is her hair short ‘n’ shy now? Is she?
Did you donate the hair to locks of love?
Ms Robinson will not be doing this. She cut her only dolly’s hair at age 6 and is still waiting for it to grow back.
I am totally going to drink the next time I shave my head.
I’ll be stopping by later today with three ratty-haired kids!
Bossy is both drunk and brave. My favorite combo.
yea. i followed that site once and this is what i got:
http://www.tattooconfidential.com/images/doggie-mowing-tc.jpg
Oh. My. God.
Woman, you have balls of steel. I’m definitely coming back here.
Often.
How have I not seen you before??
Wigs are available for those of us who mess up.
I personally prefer a martini while murdering my own locks – two when murdering someone elses…
Hi,
Great comments
I’ve cut my own hair for 2 years and yep it looks great!
Have you heard of Robocut Vacuum Clippers?
I just dial in the length I want and then vacuum my head.
No mess, no clippings, yes a foolproof haircut : )
take care all,
Brad