Jun 11, 2008
Things That Make You Want To Drink Gin Straight From The Cat Bowl. In Three Exhibits.
Exhibit A.
Bossy is once again bringing sexy back with her support hose. In fact, Bossy is bringing sexy so far back that the chair just collapsed under Sexy and Sexy has fallen into a heap on the porch floor.
Bossy is wearing her support hose again because two days ago Bossy’s right foot suddenly swelled to the size of a grapefruit. Or maybe it was more like a bocce ball. Or perhaps a balloon that is twisted into the shape of a hippopotamus.
The point is her foot was swollen. At first Bossy thought it was a spider bite, but then she thought Blood Clot! Because: hi, have you met Bossy?
Wearing the support hose seems to help—just like propping the foot on a pillow seems to help. Other things that help: lying prostrate watching Kimora Life In The Fab Lane.
In fact the only thing that doesn’t seem to help Bossy’s condition is standing for long periods of time. Or walking. Or shopping for teacher gifts or driving late daughters to school or trying to locate new tomato plants, which leads us to our next Things That Make You Want To Drink Gin Straight From The Cat Bowl exhibit.
Exhibit B.
This is Bossy’s tomato plant that she bought last month from a local farmer, and it is exactly like the other eight tomato plants in Bossy’s garden, and here is what the plants have in common: they are all diseased:
Bossy isn’t sure what happened. One day they were thriving and advanced in size and were covered in buds and Bossy’s Friend Martha was all, “Oh I wish my tomato plants were this impressive.”
And the next thing Bossy knew her plant stalks grew spindly and the leaves turned inside out and the tomatoes got all like this:
So now Bossy has to go looking for new tomato plants and put them in the ground a month behind schedule, which really interferes with Bossy’s mid-July plan to be eating gazpacho from ingredients grown entirely in her own garden including the olive oil pressed from Bossy’s own olive tree and—sorry, was someone typing something? Bossy must have nodded off for a minute because she was just dreaming she lived in Tuscany.
Back to the smelly cat bowl gin story: it’s time for Exhibit C.
This leopard represents the spotty Internet service Bossy has been experiencing for the last two weeks. Bossy isn’t sure whether it’s her service provider or weather interference or root rot.
Anyway, spotty Internet service isn’t such a big deal. Lucky thing Bossy doesn’t blog for a living. Oh, wait.
Dear Bossy,
Drink Gin. Lots of it. Hope you feel better soon.
I find it highly suspicious that the tomatoes bear a striking resemblance to the leopard. It’s a conspiracy for sure!
Take 2 (my computer issues or Bossy’s? One wonders….)
Is it just me or do the tomatoes look LIKE the leopard? Conspiracy or not? Hmmm
That leopard looks very comfy, that is how I would like to spend today. In fact, if you mirrored the post but put your head where its bottom lies, you’d be elevating your foot!
I just planted some tomato plants with my daughter this weekend. I’m hoping they are freakishly overzealous and will produce fruit in a couple of weeks, because I really love tomatoes but salmonella? Not so much.
spotty tomatoes make vuboq sad. do you think it’s something in the soil? like nematodes? nematodes are cool … except if they make tomatoes spotty.
You definitely brought back the sexy with the support hose, lost it again with the diseased tomato, but then sort of regained it with the tree cat. Your blog is an emotional roller coaster, let there be no doubt.
Wow. Cuz, you know, I woke up last night and realized that I have an undetected bladder infection that is seeping into my kidneys and we won’t know about it until I go to the ER and then it will be TOO LATE. I figured this out, in a flash, at 2 a.m.
This morning I realize it was gas. Maybe. I mean, it still could be UTI issues, I’m not ruling it out…but I’m pretty sure by this afternoon I will be facing death again.
Does bossy have another cat bowl to share?
I’ve got a few extra tomato plants, and you’re welcome to them. I think they’re all cherry types.
The cat bowl is not nearly large enough. Think bathtub. Soak in it. Hey, maybe that will help your foot!
Support hose, sick plants and sketchy internet service….sounds like you have the makings of one fantastic party!!
Want me to send you a cake from my blog post today?
Your pick!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
It is root rot. (the foot too)
NO BODY rocks the support hose like our Bossy does!
I say cut out the middle man and drink it straight from the bottle. Those cats always mark the price of booze way up.
Bossy,
I am having spotty service too. Try duct tape on your modem. It seems to be working over here.
Sorry about your foot and tomato plants. Maybe duct tape those too.
XOXOXO
I love that leopard, despite his proximity to diseased tomatoes. After all, I don’t diss the sex-ay support hose because they are near to the to-mah-toes, do I?
Lets call the whole thing off, shall we?
Maybe Bossy’s tomato plants have Salmonella.
I sure hope you’re putting up an ad link soon so we can all rock the support hose. I think they’ll look good with sandals.
Well said, Bossy. Well said. I like how you refer to yourself in the 3rd. It’s very multiple.
We decided not to plant any vegetables at all this year because all our neighbors did. We’ve already started reaping their excess: 2 dozen ginormous tomatoes from the guy across the street. As soon as his cukes and peppers produce enough overflow for us, it’s gonna be FREE GAZPACHO TIME! I’m thinking that our initial batch might be smallish, though – maybe only a couple of gallons.
Perhaps your foot and your tomatoes have the same syndrome.
So sorry you have foot bloat and tomato blight. On the upside, the spotty-internet-service-leopard is very pretty!
bloat, blight, blip!
perhaps bossy’s foot is longing for another road trip?
and i’m pretty sure i saw bossy’s friend martha switching out the tomato plants in the middle of the night…
Does your cat drink the good stuff?
I can guest post for you. I promise not to scare everyone away.
I suspect there is something bizarre going on in Bossy’s garden. Your soil might be toxic because your tomatoes have a disease, and your flowers are getting all the color sucked out of them.
Apocaliptic spottiness…very curious.
Exhibit A: And Bossy hasn’t contacted her doctor because….?
Exhibit B: ew
The Jew in me is sure your neighbor invoked the evil eye by her idle compliment. peh peh peh.
Exhibit C: Bossy’s Dane isn’t just great, she also…wait, that’s not Stella! Run!
Be the Buddha, Bossy. Be the Buddha.
http://meandyouandellie.blogspot.com/2008/06/be-buddha.html
Oh, and it helps if you drink gin out of the leopard-cat’s ginbowl…
I mean, of coure, the leopard’s leopard-sized CAT bowl.
Meh. I started tomatoes from seed MONTHS ago, and are they in the ground yet? That would be a resounding NO! They’re sitting on a table outside in the heat, wilting, and hating me. I expect tomatoes sometime in late October.
But the question remains:
Is your cat bowl half FULL of gin, or half EMPTY?
Foot: Nice.
Tomatos: Ew.
Internet Service: Me too. I want to go bop Verizon on the head. WTF is up with them?
Just found out this morning that a deer helped herself to: my first batch of ripening tomatoes, ALL of my spinach, the flowers off my romaine that was about to go to seed, half my broccoli crop (one plant), my daughter’s “school” cabbage, and some leaves/stem off my cherry tomato. So disappointing when you loving tend to your garden, only to loose stuff suddenly to something random.
It’s bunnicula! Anybody else remember that book??
Maybe Bossy’s friend Martha had something to do with the demise of Bossy’s tomato plants so that Martha no longer had to be jealous of them.
Hi, have you met Susan?
Two weeks ago, Susan had some spider veins surgically removed from her legs. When the blood clots didn’t materialize and kill her as she’d expected, she evaluated the scars to see if maybe Staph infection had set in.
Susan’s loads of fun. Bossy & Susan should get together sometime and be hypochondriacs together.
P.S. Hope the swelling goes down fast!
Tomato blight!! Ack!!
Don’t plant the new ones in the same soil or it’ll happen again. Either pot them with all-new soil (garden center special is fine) or cover over you planting bed with six inches of new soil so the new plants won’t touch the old soil. I have no idea what causes this, but I’ve seen it before, and it can take a season or two of resting before the soil won’t blight the tomatoes again. Cheerful, no?
My feet swell when it’s hot, or when I’m on them too much, or when I’m not on them enough, or when the wind id westerly. OK, I made that last one up. Ain’t water retention grand??
I wanna pet the kitty!!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Maybe Bossy needs to get out of town . . . perhaps take a little road trip?
The only time DG had swollen feet and support hose was when she was preggers…WAIT A MINUTE!
I bet Martha sabotaged the tomaters so that they would never get redder than Martha’s hair. She was jealous.
Also? Plant new tomaters, use organic worm poop, sold in recycled plastic bottles from HD. They grow FAST that way.
did you feed the tomatoes “miracle gro for tomatoes”? did you water them often?
bossy can have some of my tomatoes when they start arriving by the bucketful.
bossy needs to relax a bit. go downashore. drink a beer or five.
I think Bossy’s support hose are sexy and want Bossy to rest assured that if there was a blood clot involved the pain would be unbearable. I suffered from one this year and it is the kind of pain that requires hospital attention immediately! You just keep on rocking those hose!
Whatcha got there little lady is some blight. I don’t know what kinda blight it is, but it don’t matter none, cause ya do the same dern thing fer all the diff’rent kindsa blight ya might get. Ya git t’the gardenin store and buy ya some “dust”. Not the kinda dust ya got unner the bed, but the kinda dust that stops the blights – all the kindsa blights. The guys at the gardenin store will know. Works ever’ time.
All three things would make me bitchy. Real bitchy. Perhaps the bitchiest.
I hope Bossy’s foot feels better – elevating it on a silk pillow and having Stella wait on you hand and, well, um, foot.
Perhaps Bossy’s maters are experiencing sympathy pains for all the tomatoes that are being pulled from shelves and restaurants due to salmonella and eColi. Poor little tomatoes.
Pretty kitty! Stupid internet connections! Hope you are up and running soon.
Support hose sort of turn my stomach. Is that normal? Maybe I should see a Dr. I also hurts when I pee.
Exhibit A:
My cats have actually drinkten gin from their cat bowl. A trick a screwball attorney friend of mine did to my cats at a party, I almost sued him. He poured gin in their bowls and they got all fupped duck.
Exhibit B:
Tough year for tomatoes all the way around.
Exhibit C:
Oh wait, spotty Innernet, now that requires a LOT of interference. At the Rate in which Bossy needs to up and down the Innernet, she needs the most. You got your giga bite, which is 1k x’s mega, and then you got your tera bite, which is 1k x’s mega, and then you got your peta bite, which is 1k x’s tera. Did I just say “peta bite?” Why does that arouse me? I don’t know, computer words jack-me-up! Where’s the cat bowl?
Could be a viral infection, in any case GET RID OF THOSE PLANTS! Here’s a link on different tomato viruses:
http://www.oznet.ksu.edu/path-ext/factSheets/Tomato/Virus%20Diseases%20of%20Tomato.asp
As for blight, here’s a link for that:
http://www.ppdl.purdue.edu/PPDL/expert/tomato-blight.html
Good luck with your ‘maters Bossy!
Hugs for Bossy’s shatty day!
If you tip your head back, I’ll pick up the cat bowl and pour that Gin right in!!
Here:
View this MoveOn ad with Mr. Cusack, it’ll help you feel better
https://pol.moveon.org/donate/cusack.html
Well – it helped me!
Paging Dr. House
Paging Dr. House….
Since I am older than Bossy by six months I can be all condescending and There There, Dear (also because we’re talking about Grapefruit Feet, which I can own, and not System Overload Due to Way Too Many Blog Commenters, which I can’t own).
Keep your foot elevated. No standing around. No painting unless your foot is above your ear. Snacks help. But they must be served to you. Don’t know if wine is good for swolled feet or not — never not tried it.
Peppers are the new tomatoes.
Swear a lot at the spotty thing. DAMMIT is a good one. As long as your foot is above your ear, dammit.
Was this helpful? That’s why I’m older.
Kisses!
– Laurie
Your tomato plants look like my peach tree. 2 years running.
sorry about the foot. sorry about the tomatoes. sorry about the spotty internet service. it’s a cruel, cruel world.
I feel better knowing it wasn’t just me–my internet service has been totally sucking too!
It’s the weather. After last night’s storm, if you still have a roof– you are golden.
Oh Bossy .. perhaps you should just get in your car and take an excellent road trip and get away from it all? Already did that? oh.. in that case go back to watching Kimora..she’s so fab.
Could Bossy send down some support hose to CBW whose right foot has suddenly gone all numb (and has been for 3 weeks) and causes CBW to twist her ankle three times in the three-week period?
No? Well, just send the gin instead. Cat bowl optional.
I’m convinced I have Guillane Barre Syndrome or any other neurological ailment, up to and including IMPENDING DEATH.
Bottoms up.
Bring your tomatoes up North. The SNOW today is sure to kill any critters. Ugh.
Maybe Bossy should switch Internet providers. Don’t you hate when people call it the Internets? That bugs me.
The swollen foot is indicative of congestive heart failure. The numb foot (in comment by CBW above) is a brain tumor.
Shhhhh! Don’t tell my cats you serve gin at your house – they would desert me!
It sounds like both Bossy’s foot and her tomatoes are suffering from too much water. Have you tried putting support hose on the tomatoes? You’ll probably have to buy ones made for spiders or something else with very spindly legs, though… Unfortunately, I don’t think support hose can fix the internet. -sigh-
I knew it.
I was once bitten on the foot by a white tail spider.
I swear that I could not exercise, work, clean, cook or go grocery shopping for three months!
The only thing that helped with the swelling and pain were musicals and chocolate ice cream. Honestly.
You grow tomatoes?
WAAAYYYYY ahead of me. WAY.
I grow toenails. And eyebrows. And clutter.
Bossy, that foot thing? It ain’t normal. Don’t mess with clots. Do not underestimate the healing powers of gin, either. Maybe you should treat that foot issue with gin. Eureka!
Um, bossy? DO NOT GO PUTTING GIN IN THE CAT BOWL. A nice highball glass is much better. You can park the bottle there next to your chair if you need to.
And the tomatoes? I suspect Phylloxera infestans. No, not really, but my parents spent a billion dollars on me studying horticulture, I need to throw out phrases like “Phylloxera infestans” every once in a while.
Yikes… hope your grapefruity self feels better and it doesn’t spread into cankles…
Was there supposed to be something that DOESN’T make me want to drink gin from the cat bowl? ‘Cause I’m not all that picky…..
Always rotate plants.
Can’t hurt for the hose and internet service too.
Always rotate plants.
Can’t hurt for the hose and internet service too.
Always rotate plants.
Can’t hurt for the hose and internet service too.
Always rotate plants.
Can’t hurt for the hose and internet service too.
Clearly, Mr. Lootiatto feels you should always rotate plants.
As for your tomatoes…they need some support hose.
Is Bossy bringing Sexy back. What I really enjoy about support hose is the feeling of being constrained. When I worked in retail and wore hose I drank… a lot…of gin!
thems aint tomatoes. potatoes – maybe.
I have the same problem with my leg and feet… No real reason other than I blew out the arteries and veins when I was on my feet as an EMT for 12 hour shifts for 16 years…
Did your jealous friend sneak into your garden and pee on your plants?? Just saying… I would ask…
Gin and tonic on me when you make it to Austin!
Feel better soon!