Dec 10, 2008

The Hump Day Update on Team Cleanse.

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As some of you know, Bossy and her mother began a cleansing diet on Monday in an effort to reset some of their bad habits, such as too much sugar and too much salt and too much gluten and too much dairy and too much food and too much fun.

Bossy’s mother moved into Bossy’s house so they could eat all of the same things at all of the same times while providing moral support. Their general plan was to consume vegetable broth and fruit smoothies for the first two or three days, gradually adding delicious treats for the remainder of the week, like one raw broccoli floret and a tablespoon of chickpeas.

To get started, Bossy prepared the broth that would provide the backbone of their diet, where backbone equals Is it a normal cleansing side effect to feel as though you’ve had a spinal tap?

vegetable-broth

Here is Bossy’s exact vegetable broth recipe: dump fresh potatoes, carrots, fennel, garlic, spinach, and broccoli into lots and lots of water and cook over a flame until all of the water is evaporated. Curse like you’re getting paid for it, after realizing your flame was too high. Resume cooking vegetables with new water — water that is now pale and tasteless. Cook until there isn’t a nutrient left in the vegetables and they are the consistency of the brain matter Bossy worries may soon slip out of her ear.

Or, cook the vegetables in water over a low flame for a couple of hours. Then strain.

Every morning Bossy and her mom consume a mug of this broth, and then again at lunch. For dinner they enjoy Broth Surprise, which is Surprise we’re still upright!

In addition to the broth, Bossy and her mom pound a fair amount of water which has been lightly flavored with orange, lime, and lemon segments.

citrus-flavored-water

And in the early afternoon, Bossy prepares a smoothie made entirely from fresh fruit, utilizing different combinations of banana, mango, strawberries, oranges, grapefruit, and apple.

fresh-fruit-bowl

Neither Bossy or her mother, nor her mother, oh mother please help me, have been experiencing any of the Bathroom Issues that many readers referred to in the comment section. Unless you were talking about peeing, because Bossy and her mother have been peeing up a storm! A Category 4 storm with a warming trend sweeping across the lower regions. Also: windy is a distinct possibility.

To distract Bossy and her mother from their diet cleanse, they have been watching a lot of TV. And it has really worked, they haven’t been thinking about food at all!

For instance they rented The Staircase, a seven-hour documentary about a wealthy journalist, Michael Peterson, who was accused of murdering his wife even though he insisted it was an accidental fall down the stairs.

In the beginning of the movie, Michael Peterson posts his bail and returns to the house where his wife’s death occurred. In extensive interviews with the filmmaker, he details their loving relationship. He details their loving relationship while preparing a cream sauce that drapes over a plate of freshly drained ravioli.

Because it was a second marriage for Michael Peterson and his dead wife, it was a blended family, composed of his, hers, and adopted. One of the most interesting aspects of the movie was watching how the children, now grown, stood by their father. In fact many moved home to support him through his trial. To support him and to make him a basil, tomato, and mozzarella salad—accompanying a pot of ziti.

Like most trials, the lawyers had to endure several defendant disclosures they worried would threaten their case. For instance Mike Peterson turned out to be bisexual, and during the course of his marriage, he had several affairs with men. Mike Peterson openly discussed these affairs with his lawyers. He openly discussed them while drinking a glass of deep red wine filled to the delicious brim.

In the state’s favor, there were also some inconsistencies in the blood splatter patterns. The lawyers met with their forensic team to develop a strategy. To develop a strategy while eating drippy sandwiches and a bag of chips.

But documentaries about murder aren’t the only thing Bossy and her mother have been watching to forget about food. They’ve also been distracted by their fair share of classic movies, such as the one last night about a family who is forced to make many sacrifices during World War II. Like eating potato hash. Delicious, delicious potato hash.

In other news, Karen was the winner of yesterday’s Ten-Word Challenge giveaway. Bossy sent you an email. Congratulations, Karen!

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