Jun 29, 2009

1-800-AUTOPSY

Bossy has been steeped in the news of Michael Jackson’s death, which Bossy isn’t going to mention here — not even a sentence, so quit asking.

But it just so happens, while reading the reports about the death of that person Bossy isn’t going to mention here but his name rhymes with Fiiickle Trackson, Bossy heard about a company that goes by the name 1-800-AUTOPSY. According to their website, they are a mobile thanatology company, even though Bossy thinks traveling morgue would be cuter.

Anyway. This mobile thanatology company has a mission, and that mission goes like this: 1-800-AUTOPSY is committed to never lose our focus and broaden society’s perspective of death.

But perhaps the most fascinating part of the 1-800-AUTOPSY company is their website directory:

Oh, come on. Let’s have a look, shall we?

Anyone care to propose an idea or two for 1-800-AUTOPSY’S gift section?

Meanwhile, Bossy would like to announce the winners of her Seattle’s Best coffee giveaway. Congratulations to Surcie, who won two pounds of coffee and the Toddy Cold Brew System.

Other winners of the coffee include MariaV, Abbey, Alissa, Elsewhere, Ang, Regina, Joyce, Maria from NJ, Carrie, Choosy, Colette, Gretchen, Alias Mother, and Kathy from NJ. Bossy has emailed you more information.

Thanks for participating!

permanent link to post

61 comments

1. 1
   on June 29th, 2009 at 9:45 am
   Amber Star said:

   Possibly a gift card for your nearest and dearest to use to just make sure there was no funky business after you reach thanotopsis.


2. 2
   on June 29th, 2009 at 9:48 am
   tj said:

   …lol…Wouldn’t that be funny if they sold steak knives? lol… Okay, okay, I’ma lil’ warped… ;o)

   …Blessings…


3. 3
   on June 29th, 2009 at 9:49 am
   Elsewhere said:

   Maybe vouchers for extra strong coffee for the ones that witnessed the autopsy of someone we won’t mention here but his name rhymes with Sing of Top. They’ll need it.

   (BTW I won!!!)


4. 4
   on June 29th, 2009 at 10:01 am
   sherry said:

   Body part Jello molds? Ashes into diamonds? Recovered bullets on a chain, you know, to wear close to your heart? Or the ever-popular postmortem sperm/egg harvesting, so that you can have a child after you’re dead.Sorry, morbid humor.


5. 5
   on June 29th, 2009 at 10:06 am
   Lee said:

   Perhaps 50% off your next thanatologizing?


6. 6
   on June 29th, 2009 at 10:10 am
   BOSSY said:

   Embalming shampoo and conditioner?


7. 7
   on June 29th, 2009 at 10:16 am
   Hokie Deb (www.WebSavyMom.com) said:

   –>Til Death Do Us Part air fresheners?

   http://www.WebSavyMom.com


8. 8
   on June 29th, 2009 at 10:16 am
   Little Miss Sunshine State said:

   I would like a photo album with pics of my loved one’s internal organs.

   I also think a “Buy One Autopsy-Get One Free” card would be appropriate for twins.

   I would have named the mobile autopsy business…
   CUT AND RUN


9. 9
   on June 29th, 2009 at 10:22 am
   BOSSY said:

   T-shirts which say, The End.


10. 10
    on June 29th, 2009 at 10:41 am
    Grandma J said:

    Congratulations to the winners, especially MariaV because she’s almost a close and personal friend.

    I think videos would be a money maker. They should have a drive-thru window.


11. 11
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:05 am
    V> said:

    Personalized toe tags available in a variety of atractiv fonts?


12. 12
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:07 am
    V. said:

    (Sorry — typing with cat in lap.)

    Personalized toe tags available in a variety of attractive fonts?


13. 13
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:13 am
    Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said:

    Bossy,
    I’m pretty sure that I won the coffee, although I may or may not have entered the contest, so could you please check the results again?
    Love, Cheri
    P.S. Gift catalog items? Who said “steak knives” up there? I like her.


14. 14
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:22 am
    wendy said:

    rubber kitchen gloves with 1-800-autopsy on them? ya know, most accidents in the home are in the kitchen…or bathroom..or somewhere.


15. 15
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:39 am
    Reeb said:

    Remember how people used to bronze baby shoes and fondly sit them around on coffee tables? I’m thinking a bronzed internal organ of The Loved One would be a wonderful gift to the bereaved. Sliding price scale for diff organs. You take it from there, creative minds…

    PS. The carafe in the “thanatologizing” illustration is probably a Toddy Cold Brew System.


16. 16
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:57 am
    zelzee said:

    A t-shirt that reads:
    “Measure twice……..cut once”


17. 17
    on June 29th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
    You can call me, 'Sir' said:

    The gift shop will no doubt stock Thanatologist trading cards and velcro’d black mourning bands that can fit conveniently around the arms of people weighing anywhere from 80 to 600 pounds. Perhaps there will also be a box of plastic scalpels and bone saws advertised as the Lil’ Thanatologist’s Kit ‘O Fun or Autopsy Jamboree! or something similarly catchy that today’s kids might enjoy.


18. 18
    on June 29th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
    Baby Favorite said:

    T-shirts that say, “My grandfather went for an autopsy, and all I got was this stupid t-shirt!”


19. 19
    on June 29th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
    kd said:

    A liver scale? They’re impossible to find.


20. 20
    on June 29th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
    BOSSY said:

    “Funeral” stickers for your car so you can run red lights.


21. 21
    on June 29th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
    Ungirdled said:

    “Told you I was sick” t-shirt for the newly-deceased; year’s supply of formaldehyde; subscription to “Better Coffins & Cemeteries” magazine???


22. 22
    on June 29th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
    Audubon Ron said:

    OBVIOUS to me. Recycled, slightly used eye balls, kidneys, hearts, I’d say livers but most everyone I know drinks. Number one best selling item, Igloo ice chests to transport parts around.


23. 23
    on June 29th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
    David said:

    Embalming fluid-scented candles for those special moments? Family-pack fertilizer? Photo-sets from the autopsy suitable for framing? Do-it-yourself kits for pets?


24. 24
    on June 29th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
    William said:

    Here I thought it was for an AUTO PSYchic…like the Dog whisperer but only for Cars.


25. 25
    on June 29th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
    deborah said:

    Perhaps they should look to the LA Coroner’s office for some ideas. http://lacoroner.com/signpost.htm


26. 26
    on June 29th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
    POD said:

    I love #18.

    A calendar with spaces to write in your family members deaths in the coming year.

    A thong with the saying, “I would kill for one of those!”


27. 27
    on June 29th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
    Ms. Cranky Pants said:

    #18 & #21 T-shirts — you both rock.

    I wonder if they have a mobile van, like dog groomers, with a sign that says: “Dead? No problem, we come to you!” or “Same Day Door to Door Service”


28. 28
    on June 29th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
    heidi said:

    Heidela thinks that Bossy would LOVE to watch “Dr. G Medical Examiner” on TLC.


29. 29
    on June 29th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
    foolery said:

    Oh Jeebus mkae it STOP! I’m CRYING here, fer cryin’ out loud! : )

    Mug: WORLD’S BEST PATIENT


30. 30
    on June 29th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
    Chesapeake Bay Woman said:

    Perhaps they’ll sell bumper stickers:
    ================================
    1-800-Autopsy: The Traveling Will Burys
    ================================
    ==========================
    What is the meaning of death?
    Call 1-800-Autopsy
    ==========================

    Or maybe you can get a box of chocolates: Kisses of Death.

    How about a CD with assorted songs performed by some country twanger belting out tunes such as:

    Deader than a Doornail and Don’t Know Why

    I’m Ten Toes Up and Six Feet Under, Lord Why’d I Die I Sher Do Wonder

    I’ll stop now. It’s only going to get worse if I keep going.


31. 31
    on June 29th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
    Grandma J said:

    Bumper stickers”

    “We live up to our promises, even if you don’t”

    “One day you’re there, next day you’re here”


32. 32
    on June 29th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
    Maria from NJ said:

    What about
    “Kidneys on a Keychain”,
    “Liver Lapel Pins”,
    matching set of “Ovary Shaped Earrings” ?
    Or a bumper sticker “Honk if you’re Having a Heart attack”.

    Thanks for the coffee!!


33. 33
    on June 29th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
    foolery said:

    T-shirt:

    “Hold still — you won’t feel a thing.”


34. 34
    on June 29th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
    Meg said:

    You know how companies can get their logo on the label of bottled water? Well, how about the 1-800-AUTOPSY logo on giveaway bottles of Vicks Vapo-Rub? Isn’t that what all the cool coroners schmear below their nose before they start cuttin’?


35. 35
    on June 29th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
    1-800-AUTOPSY Web Marketing Development Team said:

    Dear BOSSY,

    We are so pleased to be featured on I Am Bossy today. Our marketing department has had little success in accessing the fast-growing and quickly-evolving online blogging community. We would be very pleased to offer you an exclusive giveaway opportunity to be featured on a future I Am Bossy post. We can offer various products for giveaways including, but not limited to:

    cancerous lungs for educational purposes
    innovative and life-like decor for Halloween parties
    discounted glass eyes and heart valves
    high quality dentures
    and souvenir bullets and knife blades

    We would welcome the opportunity to discuss how 1-800-AUTOPSY and I Am Bossy might collaborate to create a synergistic approach to web marketing.

    Best regards,

    M. Blamer
    Online Marketing Associate


36. 36
    on June 29th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
    Almudena said:

    You know who needs an autopsy??!! The Random Number Generator – that’s who. Oh yeah, you heard me.


37. 37
    on June 29th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
    Jason said:

    Good ones, Maria!

    I think an autopsy gift card would be kind of like insurance….it would be there in case you needed it, and your loved ones wouldn’t have to pay out pocket.

    I hear Fiickle’s family is having to shell out a pretty penny for his extra autopsies. If only someone had given him a gift card.


38. 38
    on June 29th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
    naomi said:

    i don’t think that photo is of an autopsy. an autopsy wouldn’t have someone holding an ether cone over the patient’s face (with the face turned sideways enabling the patient to get air in the mix and not smother on ether fumes). that appears to be a surgery class, not an anatomy class with a cadaver.

    just fyi.

    i wonder if i feature the travelling autopsy people on my blog, would they offer to do a give-away too? i doubt it. i kinda wonder what canada customs would think of an educational cancerous lung.


39. 39
    on June 29th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
    Cupcake Murphy said:

    I’m just hoping the gift section includes a snappy Cuisinart like the one they appear to be using in the photo which I’m sure is handy for spleen soup and elbow pate’. Or aortic valve blintzes. Or pituitary gland enchiladas. Ok I’ll stop.


40. 40
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
    Alissa said:

    OMG Bossy – you and your fan are hil-ar-i-ous!
    Baby Favorite – I just spit chocolate out my nose, thank you very much!

    I was thinking more along the lines of buy-one-get-one-free specials or a FINIAL final keepsake photograph.


41. 41
    on June 29th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
    Alissa said:

    yikes!! too many speeling errors I must apologize!
    “fanS”
    “FINAL”


42. 42
    on June 30th, 2009 at 12:56 am
    APeetsMom said:

    oh – just THANK YOU – that was hysterical!! You people are FUNNY!!


43. 43
    on June 30th, 2009 at 1:17 am
    Greg said:

    Maybe if the gift certificate is at the $300 level, they’ll throw in free Crocs for the burial? Cork, of course, just in case you wished to be cremated. Anything for the environment…


44. 44
    on June 30th, 2009 at 3:15 am
    tina de luxe said:

    Did you know “gift” means “poison” in german? That makes perfect sense. I still don’t get why they’re looking for people to donate organs though – my granny has one but she’s alive and kicking.


45. 45
    on June 30th, 2009 at 6:54 am
    Susanne Hill said:

    Love the tshirt concepts listed; wish I’d read this post sooner!!! My initial thought before reading all the comments was a gift certificate for services….perfect gift to give someone you don’t really like. Commemorative jewelry is always a hot seller with various organs, and a DIY scalpel tweezer and saw set may be a huge hit out in the midwest. And of course, the ever popular tshirts…may I add “Time Passes,…..So Did You!!!”


46. 46
    on June 30th, 2009 at 6:55 am
    MariaV said:

    Gift catalog?!

    Thank you for the coffee.


47. 47
    on June 30th, 2009 at 7:56 am
    heather said:

    That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.


48. 48
    on June 30th, 2009 at 8:34 am
    bossys mom said:

    OK folks..these were the most brilliant comments yet…
    funny funny stuff.


49. 49
    on June 30th, 2009 at 8:56 am
    KM said:

    Bossy, check out the LA Coroners gift store. I have a shirt and some misc. office products from there. It’s called Skeletons in the closet. I’m not kidding.


50. 50
    on June 30th, 2009 at 11:16 am
    choosy said:

    http://www.amazon.com/V-E-Ralph-Convenience-Vomit-Disposal/dp/B0029P0VEE/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1246374795&sr=8-3
    barf bags. Personalized of course.


51. 51
    on June 30th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
    JustJuli said:

    I love the tee shirt idea from #16.
    And the steak knives!

    What about taxidermy services?
    (ew)


52. 52
    on June 30th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
    Reeb said:

    Bossy, I put in my 2 cents and then went about the rest of my birthday. (!) Thanks so much for linking today to all these comments. Soooo clever. Laughing out loud and nothing abbreviated about it at all! Best. blog. ever.

    25/Deborah, I actually ditched Bossy and all the commenters to tour, slack-jawed with amazement, through the coroner’s website. That’s a gem of a find. Then I posted the link on facebook. Just paying it forward…


53. 53
    on June 30th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
    Niki in Baltimore said:

    For Christmas they could offer gifts for people who have everything :
    -his and hers matching bodybags in crushed velvet
    -engraved sterling scalpels
    -deluxe DVDs of loved ones’ autopsies with special features menu


54. 54
    on June 30th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
    sugarpie said:

    I missed this yesterday too. I’ve got to be more thorough when visiting Bossy’s site.

    I wonder if you cant take them up on the webmarketing thing. Maybe work it into the Povety Party by offering a Do-It-Yourself kit for the recently bereaved. Poverty Partiers could save some serious coin.

    I mean, you’re probably in a bad mood already from dealing with all the death stuff. How much worse can it get? Go ahead-just do the damned autopsy yourself. Everyone can bring a covered dish and make a day of it.


55. 55
    on June 30th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
    magpie said:

    On a semi-related tangent, have you been to the Mutter Museum in Philly? Somehow, I feel that I would like to see a post from you about it.


56. 56
    on June 30th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
    Auds at Barking Mad said:

    A gift catalog…seriously?

    I don’t know anyone I dislike enough to send a gift to, from a mobile morgue. Ewwwwww.


57. 57
    on July 1st, 2009 at 8:15 am
    Bush Babe of Granite Glen said:

    I’m thinking something along the lines of gaily coloured plastic aprons and matching goggles for onlookers at the autopsy (for some reason I have a mental image of clearing off the kitchen table to investigate poor Aunt Margaret’s cold corpse). And some CD’s of appropriate autopsy music… “The First Cut is the Deepest”??
    
    BB


58. 58
    on July 1st, 2009 at 4:09 pm
    Elsewhere said:

    @57 LOL, love your musicsuggestion

    Can we follow it up with: Only women bleed?


59. 59
    on July 2nd, 2009 at 12:47 am
    Well Read Hostess said:

    I was going to attempt something humorous, but after reading #35, I’m not even going to try.

    Well played, #35, well played indeed.


60. 60
    on July 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
    knows about 1800autopsy said:

    they actually sell your average gift store stuff, like t shirts, key chains, cups…etc i get free stuff from them all the time at funeral director conventions.


61. 61
    on July 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 pm
    Nicole said:

    Maybe they don’t sell anything. Who would want to buy something from a website called 1800autopsy? It’s probably just a test. When you click it, there’s just a graphic that says “Eww, you’re weird!”