Oct 31, 2011
Things Bossy Never Thought About And Thank Gah
Today marks that innocent yet resplendent kid holiday, Halloween, in Bossy’s quiet East Coast village, so naturally Bossy was contacted by the California Poison Control System.
According to their poison education and emergency hotline network, there are ten things you should know before your children go trick-or-treating.
- Those glow in the dark sticks and jewelry that are purchased to keep kids visible while crossing the street can break open and accidentally get in the mouth and eyes and just oboy, okay?
- No treats should be eaten until they have been thoroughly inspected by an adult. A nice adult, not one of those adults out to poison children
- Allow only small amounts of candy to be ingested at a time since too much sugar causes stomach upset, and sugar substitutes can act as a laxative and please make it stop
- If your child brings home any unfamiliar candy throw it away. Then remove it from the trash once the kids are in bed and enjoy with a tumbler of gin
- Unwrapped candy should be discarded. Discarded down the esophagus of desperate moms
- Fruit should be cut open and inspected. And then tossed into the compost pile because who wants fruit on halloween?
- Homemade treats should be discarded. Because the old folks in the neighborhood love it when they bake all day just to end up down the kitchen disposal
- Torn packaging is a sign of tampering. In other news, torn packaging is a sign of tearing
- Small candy is a choking hazard
- The California Poison Control System is a choking hazard
I hope there are lots of posts like this all over the interwebs! Thank you Bossy!
You know, with all these Halloween warnings, you would think there had been many reports of candy having been tampered with. Do you know that there are NO recorded incidences of tainted Halloween candy in the US? Like, ever?
Unmitigated – that’s because the religious wrong have this idea that Halloween is a DEVILS holiday – because we all know that the devil is all about little children dressing up and begging for candy – as opposed to adultery and murder and theft and coveting and all that.
The other day I’m in line at the drugstore and a woman hamstrings the line by making a return. What, Bossy may ask, is she returning? Two containers of Pez. Yes, Pez. So I’m thinking, “Who RETURNS Pez, especially the week before Halloween?” The clerk accepts the return, refunds the woman’s $1.50, and gets ready to set the Pez back on the sale shelf. Naturally, I stop her, and make her ask herself, “What kind of nut returns Pez?” The clerk calls the manager. The manager comes over, and I suggest that the woman is probably one of those people who poisons candy. Well all inspect the packages of Pez, which the manager agrees not to re-sell. For extra flourish, I suggest that the next time that woman comes in, they call Homeland Security and have her entire family sent to Gitmo. They reluctantly agree. Gitmo it is. Hope she didn’t return the Coppertone. She’s gonna need it.
Side note (one for the cat bowl):
Halloween accounts for the SECOND highest amount of holiday spending in the USA, just behind Christmas!
Fascinating.
I LOVE this!
Even though each of my three kids has their own container to put candy in when we actually are Trick or Treating, they know it will end up in the communal candy bowl once we get home. What they don’t know is that after they go to bed, we will go through that communal candy bowl and take out all of our favorites and eat them while they sleep.
And about #1, we had glow sticks break open during fireworks last summer. Whatever chemical it is inside those sticks got everywhere. On the one hand it was kind of neat to see the kids’ hands and clothes glow in the dark, but on the other hand, I got pretty paranoid about the toxic chemical that was now all over my kids’ hands and clothes.
They forgot the part about making sure little children in the Northeast wear snowsuits over the costumes that Mom spent 32 hours and $45 to create. I’m sure there is some recorded instance of Halloween Frostbite.
When my daughter was little we would save Gam and Papa’s house for last on Halloween. She would sort through all the candy and carefully choose the piece the liked LEAST to give to Papa. He cracked up every time.
When my oldest daughter went trick-or-treating for the first time, she didn’t know what candy was. First children are so cute like that. So she played with her candy and made little tissue beds for her candy, and… well you get the idea. Imagine my shame when she noticed her new toys were slowly (or maybe quickly) disappearing over time. Yum!
For the record, second child knew instantly what was behind those wrappers. And kept a steady eye on me.
#2 is right. NO ONE has poisoned or razored a kid in the US on Halloween except one or two parents who hoped the police would think the neighbors did it. But what would Halloween be without a little paranoia? And, you know, there really IS a man with a hook for an arm who frequents teenagers’ parking hangouts every Halloween….
Bossy once went trick-or-treating in Tucson, Arizona when she was 5 years old and the candy was her supper!
We still ate the popcorn balls.
I’m still waiting for the Tumbler of Gin Fairy to visit. Maybe tonight, if my pumpkin patch is sincere enough (GAHHH the tumbler thing made me laugh, BOSSY).
Halloween? Here in the northeast (CT) Halloween was cancelled as a result of storm Alfred. As of today (11/1/11), 688,000 people in CT alone are without power (4th day). We’ve already eaten all the candy we had for the trick-or-treaters!
I really love your number 4.
The good news is that poison will be 90% off since home improvement stores stock up on so much for Halloween.
Ha! (She says while choking on a possibly undigestible, leftover Snickers wrapper)
I like to infuse my gin with the liquid from those glow in the dark sticks. Pleasant side effect: My mustache just falls right off.
My first bossy read and may I just say – U funny! Thanks for sharing!
Great to meet you yesterday!
If I may, dear Bossy: If one cuts open the fruit do not add to the compost pile UNTIL you first let it gently marinate in the red wine, sugar and fruit juice you just mixed together to make SANGRIA! Then you can let the fruit go to the compost pile. Then the fruit has had a party before being sent to mingle with the discarded brussels sprouts from the trick or treaters dinner.
I checked and unmitigated is correct about there not being any cases of candy poisoning in the US, or anywhere that I could find.
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