May 6, 2010
Ten Shiny Happy (No) Book Tour Things
Bossy already surpassed Week Four in her six-week, 12,000-mile
(No) Book Tour, and since Bossy isn’t the type to complain, she thought she’d look back on some of her favorite aspects of being on the road, with more being on the road thrown in for good measure.
- You won’t ever hear Bossy saying Something smells funny. Nothing smells funny when you are driving in the middle of nowhere.
- Sirius satellite radio provides a constant supply of 80s music, which would normally necessitate one to veer off the side of a California cliff in order to extricate a song from your brain — but since the station is so relentlessly thorough, Bossy can listen to We Didn’t Start The Fire, and before she can say Oh Billy Joel, Bossy remembers you before you were drunk driving, Owner Of A Lonely Heart comes along and eradicates the previous ear worm, leaving you with something way more challenging.
And challenging keeps one awake.
- And while on the subject of music, Bossy has the opportunity to do her fair share of dancing behind the wheel. In fact, with an average of eight hours a day to practice these moves, soon Bossy will be able to audition for Dancing With The Stars! That is, when ABC debuts their spinoff show, Dancing With The Stars In Cars.
- Bossy has the chance to sample a different phallic Burger King breakfast sandwich every single day:
- Bossy’s day is completely her own! Should she stop here for fuel or there for fuel? Should she poo in this truck stop or that rest stop. Bossy is responsible to no one but herself! Herself and the five-hundred people who signed up to be a part of this poo festival.
- There is nothing more fun than obsessing over car snacks, and in Bossy’s case, she’s been enjoying Pringles, cheese-peanut butter crackers, Blue Diamond almonds, and gum and gum and gum. And gum.
- Speaking of which, with such a prolific gum-chewing routine, Bossy is going to have the strongest jaw in the nursing home! Unless they discover gum gives you cancer, in which case: this six-pack of CitrusMint Orbit gets left in Bossy’s will to the lady doing 50 mph in the passing lane.
- With all of the practice Bossy has accrued washing things out in hotel bathroom sinks, Bossy will be able to get a part time job on the banks of the Nile River!
- Meeting the amazing people Bossy convenes every night from every different walk of life, where walk equals Drive. Mostly they drive.
- Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Or maybe it just makes us drink more, Bossy keeps forgetting which.
For instance, this past oh Bossy’s gah she can’t remember the day, Bossy met with her Seattle council, such as Bossy’s host Angie, Stacey, Jennifer, Beth, a real live man Whit, Tricia, Bossy’s Scottsdale meet-up attender Cynthia, Wendy, actual author Sondra, and Annette, with a special shout out to (no) bloggers Debbie and Alyssa!
And then a couple of days after that, give or take one Rawlins Wyoming hotel room and a bowl of Tom Kha soup, Bossy convened her Denver council, such as Zadge, ZDub, Julie, Tara, and Gabrielle, with a special shout out to Lucy, Bri, and Ben!
And then the very next night, which was last night even though it feels like two nights ago wrapped in a month ago, Bossy met with her beloved St. Louis council, including Angela, Raquita, and Maureen, with a special shout out to PJ!
And finally, the last reason Bossy is taking this (No) Book Tour: