Apr 24, 2006
Dear Bossy
I’m in dire need of new eyebrow tweezers – I’m beginning to look like that old guy on 60 minutes. I thought it would be easy but there’s a whole wall of eyebrow tweezers available – which are the best?
- Chin Hairs Too.
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Dear Chinny Chin Chin,
This isn’t just about tweezers; it’s about Facial Tools. Bossy found the following photo along with this caption “A rejuvenating facial is just a few clicks away.”
Rejuvenating? It reminds Bossy of that film where Humphrey Bogart undergoes plastic surgery to escape his criminal past and spends most of the movie recuperating under masses of white bandages and flirting with Lauren Bacall.
Of course, they both had cool eyebrows.
Eyebrows are a good thing – they keep dust, dirt, and sweat from dropping into our eyes. Of course some people forget to wash all that stuff out.
The first consideration is how to shape the brow. This simple diagram details the mathematics of the eye – all you’ll need is a Sharpie and a ruler for drawing all the dotted lines directly on your face!
Point 1 is the beginning of the brow, which should line up with the outside of the nose. Point 2 is the arch, which should follow the line that extends from the side of the nose through the center of your pupil. Point 3 is where the brow should end – a line that goes from the corner of your smirk up over the Occipital lobe.
Next consideration is when to tweeze. After a hot bath or shower is nice, when your pores are open and the process less painful. After Happy Hour at the Ale House – not so good. As a matter of fact, it’s best to tweeze over a period of a few days to avoid the more drastic mistakes.
In terms of which instruments are best – there are many specialized tweezers appropriate for a variety of tasks. Pointed tweezers are good for removing unwanted fine hairs around the eyebrow area. Slanted tweezers are best for removing unwanted eyebrow hairs and shaping the eyebrows. Curved tip tweezers are excellent for removing the difficult hairs around the eyebrow area. Scissor style tweezers are the best for smooth easy tweezing of eyebrow area. Did Bossy just say the same thing four times in a row? You bet your sweet ass she did! Blame this on the idiot corporate marketers who make tons of money sitting at long conference tables in anemic office buildings manipulating the public with redundancy and Bossy has this to say: Where can she send her resume?
To add to the confusion, they manufacture Ergonomic tweezers in colors so dazzling they’re easy on the eyes and plucking hands.
Not to be confused with Precision tweezers, which belong on a surgical tray.
There are also magnifying tweezers, and tweezers so compact they’ll fit in your purse – though it’s hard to conceive of a purse too small for a regular pair of tweezers.
Anyway Bossy doesn’t think you’ll be sorry if you buy a pair of slanted tweezers. They seem to be good for everything. Except removing splinters – for that buy the sharp pointy kind.
Hi, all. My brother said he would like to hear about something other than Osama bin Hide-n. Yoga. One of my favorite disciplines for years. I absolutely love going to class. Rarely, if ever, do I miss. I has been the vehicle for numerous physio-psychological changes. Normally, you would think that being a guy in a yoga class would be a perfect way to meet girls. It’s got to better than a bar, right? Class filled with lithe girls of all shapes and sizes. Strong and supple. Bending in ways…sparking “creative” centers…open bodies…open minds…you get the point. Perfect environment, right? Well, the truth is…I live in South Park. Piss ant, white bread, mountain town. It’s dire, I’m tellin you. You tell people how you think it sucks that “The Aristocrats” is banned here and they dont believe it because they think you’re talking about a Disney film. Serioulsy. It’s so bad, it fucks with my spelling. “Napoleon Dynamite” holds a vehemous opposition due to so many taking it personally. The only girls in my yoga class are either so young I’d end up in jail, besides chances are good that they’ve already got two on the hips or so old, not that I’m an age discriminator, trust me, its not right by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe, I should start drinking before class. I happen to live in a town that suffers from a girl drought. Ages 21-45. It’s like I’m trapped in a sexist “Logan’s Run”. I have to move. It’s a communist plot. You could say I’m just paranoid. Maybe a little but that has nothing to do with it.
Communism scared the ever-living shit out of me when I was a kid. I hope you all relate. The “red scare”. It strikes on so many levels. I remember a 20/20 in the late 70’s, I think, with Sam Donaldson telling America what would happen if we suffered from a nuclear attack. Being a little more sensitive than the average runt, descriptions of radiation sickness had me rocked and freaked. Bleeding gums, hair falling out, boils on my skin, death from massive hemorrhaging in a matter of hours or a slow, bloated, painful death, cancer-fuck. Sepia images of nuclear tests obliterating houses and buildings of all kinds like they were nothing and sheep with weird growths/intestines? hanging out of their torsos. I was torn up, crying, expecting missile exhaust trails in the sky hanging like long pillows indicating that in a matter of minutes I’ll either be vaporized because there was a huge air force base close to our city or helpless against a killer that would get me even if my windows were closed. Communism was scary. That was just the start. “The Day After”, “War Games-would you like to play a game?-Global Thermonuclear War” The Iron Curtain. East Germany. The Wall. Like a steel bull in a flint-tiled gunpowder china shop. I was all for Ronald Reagan. I was all for Mikhail Gorbachov. Peace. Goddamn, no more bombs. No vaporizing. No bleeding gums. People get it straight. Shit. Thank God, now we only have to worry about dirty bombs and radioactive pollution. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.