Jul 3, 2007
Blog Kindergarten: A Bossy Tutorial. Irve Lewis “No Wonder They Call Me Scooter” Libby, Jr.
Ok, so like — it’s 2003 and Bush wants a war with Iraq, right? So Dick Cheney tells Bush, “No problemo — I got a piece of paper right here that proves Iraq bought uranium from Niger. Dude! We’re golden!” And it’s so cool because here is the actual receipt:
And so, like, we send thousands to die in Iraq. Except then the CIA was all, “Um, wait. Are we sure that document is for real? Like, fizzor rizzeal?” So they call this ambassador dude, Joseph Wilson, and the CIA’s like, “Road Trip!” And so Wilson goes to Niger where the Nigerians are all, “That? That document is as fake as Pamela Anderson’s tits!”
And so when Wilson gets back to America, dudeman’s all, “Feck the Iraq War. It’s Booshit.” Meanwhile Dick Cheney’s chief of staff — Scooter Libby — is all worried that Joseph Wilson is going to wreck the whole play with his Nigerian proof and so he gets all up in Wilson’s business and speed dials a bunch of news types going, “Joseph Wilson? That dweeb? He don’t know jack. Plus he’s married to some undercover CIA ‘ho named Valerie Plame.”
Except then Valerie Plame is standing there with her undercover ass in the wind for all to smell. And so folks started looking into who exposed Plame and Scooter Libby was all, “Valerie Who? Never heard of her. Oh damn, you mean the bitch Tim Russert sold out?”
And so a Federal Grand Jury investigates and indicts Scooter Libby for lying his fool white ass off — and then in March he was found guilty of four felony charges, all federal and shit: perjury, obstruction of justice, and making false statements. Dumb ass mo-fo.
Well What Do You Know – Yesterday Bush Commuted His Ass So Libby Doesn’t Have To Serve Time.
This is great, can Bossy re-write the news for me EVERY day so that I can understand it?
It’s great, you see, because on September 30, 2003 Bush said, “There’s just too many leaks. And if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of.”
We were all so distracted by the way he ended a sentence with a preposition that we thought he meant the person would be punished for transgressions. It turns out that by “taken care of,” he meant he was going to make like the LA Sheriff who let Paris Hilton out of jail because he felt bad for her. By “taken care of,” he means coddled like a toddler.
Can we get that brilliant LA judge who sent Paris packing to impose law on this one?
BTW – awesome receipt.
I’m going to out myself right now as one that doesn’t follow politics much. I *listen* to the news, but I don’t always follow it. You have to pay attention for that to happen and hold thoughts in yer head for more than the time it takes to change a diaper.
Therefore, today’s “I love BOSSY” is due to the fact that she managed to outline this whole Scooter Libby thing in under 30 seconds and now I’m totally up to speed and feelin’ wicked smaht. Thanks, BOSSY.
And, yes, would you please do this for all of the major news items every day? That’d be great. M’kay?
So Scooter pulls a Hilton and his Frat Buddies all come charging to the rescue. Yeah. I’d get all claustrophobic, too, just thinking what a name like Scooter is likely to earn me in da clink.
Once again, you’ve cleared everything up for me.
You should be writing for NPR. Or the Daily Show. Or you should appear on Bill Maher. Something!
Saddam had lovely penmanship. I mean, as ruthless dictators go. Generally, they don’t pay much attention to the small things.
Silly, Bossy. Being accountable for your actions is for the powerless and under-priveleged! Also, tricks are for kids!
No, no, don’t you see? Paris is forced into jail for a driving charge and Libby endangers state secrets and exposes corruption within the government and he gets to go home and play with himself?
Masturbation. The ultimate punishment.
(Great post, Ms. Bossy).
Having lived in DC and seen/heard of all of this first hand and full of bullshit, I must say, that this is the most accurate and easy explanation of this thing.
Usually Presidents only do this sort of thing their last week in office. So maybe that’s something to look forward to in a day or so.
I’m going to pass American History because of you Bossy!
oh scooter, scooter, scooter.
georgie won’t always be president and get you out of jail free.
scooter, scooter, scooter.
i hope your amnesia clears up right away.
Also, Bossy, I love you. You rock. Forever. I mean that.
Dear Bossy,
Please write the news or a history book so that we can understand it better, ’cause you are much more fun to read than the news sites.
We heart Bossy.
Love,
The Amarikun Publik.
I’m all in agreement … Bossy, you have a way with cutting through the crap and diving directly into the shit and serving it on a stick … for everyone’s enjoyment!
Move over Jon Stewart
Awwww, Snap.
The last glimmer of accountability tossed to the wind.
Hey. I heard Jon Stewart might be moving to NBC.
you rock my world. you should be a reporter…
I’m thinking that I might be a guy and not know it. This page loaded, my eyes went to the boobs, and I thought, “I wonder what that’ll have to do with this post.” (I do not want to know why my eyes went for the boobs; Did my mom not give me enough love? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.)
Nice. The blog, not Pam’s latest melons.
I’m going to stop reading the New York Times.
BOSSY FOR PREZ!!!
Dear Bossy,
You are hilarious!
That receipt is perfect, right down to dotting the ‘i’ with a heart.
So. funny.
As soon as I heard the news, I knew that Bossy would post a tutorial!
As usual, you get to the heart of the matter – thanks!
So seething mad… can’t see straight (not that there’s anything straight about me).
I love love love your news stories. Keep them coming.
Boo!
Sh!
thank heavens for Bossy, i just wasn’t quite sure what was happening. I kinda thought this might be bad stuff, thanks for clearing that up, whew.
Um. That was just AWESOME!
Thank you. I cannot understand this stuff unless you explain it.
Thank you bossy…just thank you.