Jul 9, 2007

Bossy’s Virtual Yard Sale. Rain Or Shine.

i am bossy was recently reviewed over here. Bossy scored 44/70, 5.24, with a Total Score of 61! And there were even more numbers like 3/5 and 8 and Bossy isn’t certain what any of the numbers mean but she’s pretty sure she won’t be elected this year’s Avon World Sales Leader.

It seems most of i am bossy’s problems lie in the overall design. That and the content. This seems easy enough to fix because Bossy is nothing if not a Clutter Nazi, which brings Bossy to her first item up for sale:

Bossy’s bio buttons and links are confusing and redundant and who does she think she is wearing both orange and turquoise? These very special triptych buttons would clearly be perfect for a Great Dane breeder or an Eyeball Surgeon. $0.35.

Next item:

These two highly acclaimed awards are yours for two easy installments of ninety-nine ninety-nine. How about nineteen-ninety-nine? Nine?

Next:

This highly effective visual campaign is a call to advertisers everywhere. Sidebar titles, links, underlines, and two different fonts included! A steal
at a buck-twenty-fivey-nine.

And speaking of advertisements:

Come on — you already have a Find Food Drink but it’s faded and torn in the ass. This one comes with a Still Searching For Food Drink. No wonder Bossy is swimming in her yearly GoogleAd income of three half pennies — and you can be too!

And now this:

Where else can you purchase a link to a bogus popularity contest whose categories are so obscure that you hardly notice that the voting deadline has been extended until you’ve lost all will to live? Lifetime of Penile Enhancement emails free with your purchase.

Next item:

This is only a partial list of the Blogger friends Bossy is willing to sell. They may look a little mildewed but Bossy assures you that some bleach and elbow grease will make them as good as new. But that cat smell? That will never leave. $0.25.

And speaking of Blogger friends:

One BlogHer link for sale. Bossy thought she’d wear it all the time after she fixed the hem but it turns out tie-dye went out of style in the 1500s. Like new. Eleben dollah.

And speaking of BlogWhores:

Buying this t-shirt link is like buying a Velvet Elvis painting with a hidden Picasso under the mat board! Bossy’s talking about an unlimited revenue stream! She’s talking about it, and now all she needs to do is find it! $1.05.

Next item:

This is not for sale. Put your roll of hundreds back in your pocket. Did you know Bossy enlarged this cock herself? And she drew it too. With her pricey Adobe Photoshop free Graphic Converter.

Next cocksucker item up for sale:

The word shit can be traced to the year 1118 (wearing gloves of course.) The Anglo-Saxons used the word scittan in reference to cattle diarrhea as indicated in the following Latin text: “Lues animalium, quæ Anglice Scitta vocatur, Latine autem fluxus interaneorum dici potest.” In Bossy’s case, this shit’s gotta go. $0.Sebenty-Seben.

Now turn your attention to the penultimate item:

This is possibly the worst Blog description eh-ver. According to the Blog Reviewers it doesn’t come close to describing the scattershot, whimsical, directionless effort that is i am bossy. Buy now and Bossy will include the copyright for the phrase, “Depending on the kindness of mediocrities.”
One million yen.

And finally the last item up for sale:

This Guess-and-Press is a big hit! With Bossy’s friend Amy! And virtually millions thousands hundreds tens more of you! It’s almost as big a hit as when Bossy wimps out crosses out phrases! Stinky big! Gimmic hit!

Let’s look at the above thumbnail example of the Guess-and-Press, shall we? Hmm. It looks like flower petals and flower colors so Bossy is guessing the photo is of a man purse. Sold! Sixth Cents.

And now for the postpenultimateultimate item up for sale:

This Color.

And this one too. And especially this one and this one. In bold too.

Who needs different colors if your posts are well written? Oh. Never mind. Bossy will keep this color. And this.

permanent link to post

55 comments

1. 1
   on July 9th, 2007 at 10:41 am
   Lisa said:

   I love it just the way it is, Bossy. If I have any criticism at all, it’s that there are not nearly enough John Cusack references.

   Keep on keepin’ on!


2. 2
   on July 9th, 2007 at 10:55 am
   Domestic Goddess said:

   I wouldn’t take that stuff too seriously. You clearly have a legion of stalkers, I mean, FANS here. I think it looks JUST FINE! And we keep coming back, despite what they think about your design.
   PS – we like your history lessons and pictures of your dog.


3. 3
   on July 9th, 2007 at 11:08 am
   shayera said:

   Those “reviewers” obviously have no taste or discernment. Bossy is perfect just the way she is.


4. 4
   on July 9th, 2007 at 11:17 am
   metalmom said:

   Please don’t change! I find comfort in knowing your cock is there to greet me every time I visit!


5. 5
   on July 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am
   Andrea said:

   Don’t you go a-changin’, Bossy. I like clutter. It makes me comfortable. For example, it took me an hour to find a file in my office today.

   Clutter = wicked good.


6. 6
   on July 9th, 2007 at 11:49 am
   Pioneer Woman said:

   My blog was reviewed once. They hated it, and couldn’t understand my preoccupation with calf nuts. That was all they could talk about.

   Review schmeview.


7. 7
   on July 9th, 2007 at 11:49 am
   Kristen said:

   Motherhood Uncensored got something like 1500 negative smacks from some website that will remain unnamed.

   I say “RENTALS” are the way to go. Garage sales are so 1982. Sort of like the legwarmers.


8. 8
   on July 9th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
   Lotta said:

   So impressed you made the cock bigger. And I like Bossy’s site! Not cluttery – but a treat for the eyeballs!


9. 9
   on July 9th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
   Heather said:

   Your bossy blog IS da SHIT! Dontcha be forgettin dat either!


10. 10
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
    Nancy said:

    Eh, Bossy IS because of how she presents.

    Forget the yard sale … all is good.


11. 11
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
    Teryn said:

    Bossy rules and shit. Don’t change a thing.


12. 12
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
    Oh, The Joys said:

    I’ll take the pimple on the forehead for $400, Alex.


13. 13
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
    Adorable Girlfriend said:

    The mere fact that you have BG on your blogroll should have everybody lovin’ this blog. I mean, come on! Blue Girl. The first winner ever of the RoD Holiday Bake-Off 2005.

    Now that is value!!!


14. 14
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
    Noelle said:

    I’d take your colors for 25 cents. I love them. I’m impressed by your dedication to HTML, I usually stop at and

    Also, you think that a site that is dedicated purely to judging other blogs could do better than the plain white Blogger template. I’m just sayin’.


15. 15
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
    blue girl said:

    First of all, I’m going to have to go beat those people up.

    Judo chop!

    And you’re sellin’ me for $0.025? You be in big trouble, Ms. Photoshop Color Word Italicizer!


16. 16
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
    Noelle said:

    Evidently I can’t even use pretend HTML on this site. It should read:

    I usually stop at BOLD and linkto: “A Site that is more well written than mine.”


17. 17
    on July 9th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
    vuboq said:

    I think I have like 42 Indonesian rupiah at home. What can I get for that?

    Please please please say “the color green. in BOLD!” Please? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE?

    Don’t make me beg.


18. 18
    on July 9th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
    maggie said:

    Reviewers review because they can’t do.


19. 19
    on July 9th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
    Mir said:

    Don’t ever change, Bossy.


20. 20
    on July 9th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
    Gina said:

    Okay, did you ASK for this review or is this some douche that just goes around picking on others’? Maybe we can all review his blog next?

    I like the word shit. Not as much as I like fucktard or fuckwit or asshat, but it’s in my top 10. I don’t think it can be overused.


21. 21
    on July 9th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
    Les~ said:

    HaHaHaHaHa…we should just bombard the reviewers with the word *shit*!

    I love your blog just the way it is Bossy! Don’t go changin’ a thing!! Who are they, the blog fashion police?


22. 22
    on July 9th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
    Jennifer said:

    Wow, I came looking for a steal and I think you have things priced a wee bit too high, but hey, I’m really cheap. At least you use the word shit. I really like the word shit.

    I am too chicken shit to ever get my blog reviewed. My ego would be too easily bruised. Shit.


23. 23
    on July 9th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
    Kevin Charnas said:

    Critics can suck it…and usually do.

    I just say add more porn.


24. 24
    on July 9th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
    Anita said:

    I LOVE the blog description … hmmm … where’s those Yen I always leave around for a rainy day. Shoot, I’ll bet I can’t find them because it’s so darned sunny and hot out. Remind me to look again when the rain comes, maybe I can buy your description.

    Keep on making us laugh


25. 25
    on July 9th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
    flutter said:

    Couldn’t we review the review? Say, whogivesafuckwhatyouthinkofmyblog.net?


26. 26
    on July 9th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
    Jodi said:

    One of the reviewers said you were slow on the humor scale? Ummm, that reviewer would be considered slow on the RETARD scale.

    You know that thing Groucho Marx said about not wanting to be a part of any club that would have him?! Yeah. It applies to that reviewer club.

    By the way, is shit even considered a swear word anymore?! If someone wants to review my site, they’d better be cool with jesusfuckingchrist and for fuck’s sake because those two phrases are numero uno y dos on listo de vocabulario fantastica.


27. 27
    on July 9th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
    Brando said:

    Bossy, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

    And shouldn’t reviews of humor blogs be funny?


28. 28
    on July 9th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
    karen said:

    What a bunch of shitheads. I notice Mr.Fabulous is up for review…however shall he manage with all the sex and gooey wonderfullness that is Pointless Drivel? Those reviewers will probably self destruct after reading the Sex You Up column. Perhaps we can all get tickets and watch their heads explode?


29. 29
    on July 9th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
    Kathleen (in Oakland) said:

    bossy blog is super funny. how could anyone miss that?


30. 30
    on July 9th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
    Meg said:

    If Bossy changes the way it looks, Meg swears she will stop reading.

    We like Bossy just the way she is!


31. 31
    on July 9th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
    blue girl said:

    “And shouldn’t reviews of humor blogs be funny?”

    Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

    Brando totally wins.


32. 32
    on July 9th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
    slackermommy said:

    You’re #1 in my book for funny. This was hysterical!


33. 33
    on July 9th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
    Jen said:

    You’d better keep teal and orange up. I love Bossy’s site. The others clearly have no taste and need to retreat into other, more beigey blogs.


34. 34
    on July 9th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
    Seattle Mamacita said:

    i think bossy needs more bling not less like that rockin’girl blogger button she won a few days back


35. 35
    on July 9th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
    mcewen said:

    Way back when in the UK, there used to be a programme called ’sale of the century,’ seems apt here!
    Cheers


36. 36
    on July 9th, 2007 at 7:23 pm
    Lillian said:

    My chickens (http://tinyurl.com/23×5np) especially love your, um, rooster. Don’t change a thing unless it’s bigger and better and more colorful and full of much boldeder texts!


37. 37
    on July 9th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
    Lillian said:

    Gawd I’ll never get a URL right in my life. It’s a comment frenzy. My apologies.
    http://ladanea.blogspot.com/search/label/chickens


38. 38
    on July 9th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
    Dawn said:

    BOssy is awesome. $&^@ the reviewers


39. 39
    on July 9th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
    rachelw said:

    Shit! They’re full of shit! Totally shitty, probably shit-faced! Shit-heads, anyway. Keep up the good shit!


40. 40
    on July 9th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
    nutmeg said:

    I’ll buy the dog.


41. 41
    on July 10th, 2007 at 12:31 am
    Suebob said:

    Bossy is the perfect perfection of perfectness.


42. 42
    on July 10th, 2007 at 12:56 am
    Dorky Dad said:

    I’ll take the bio, please. And the cussword. My blog is way too clean.


43. 43
    on July 10th, 2007 at 3:29 am
    schmutzie said:

    I liked your “hot poker in the eye” comment on their review. I have had a few hot pokers myself, and they’re always informative if not completely useful.

    I think your site’s a lot of fun. Too bad the cock must go!


44. 44
    on July 10th, 2007 at 9:25 am
    Heather said:

    I read the review and I have to say that anyone who is so uptight over the word “shit” can’t have much of a sense of humor. Really, how did they ever qualify themselves to review ‘humor’ blogs. snort.

    I’ll buy the word shit please.


45. 45
    on July 10th, 2007 at 9:32 am
    In the Trenches of Mommyhood said:

    Those cocksuckers! *snort*
    “I love you just the way you are…” Sing it with me people, for the love of Billy Joel!


46. 46
    on July 10th, 2007 at 9:52 am
    bobbarama said:

    You can’t get rid of me this easily. I’ve superglued myself to your blogroll. You’re stuck with me. I’m. Going. Nowhere.


47. 47
    on July 10th, 2007 at 9:52 am
    EvolvingRevolver said:

    I am not even going to read the other FORTY FIVE comments because I certain they say exactly what I’m going to say and I want to say it anyway: BLOGREVIEW SCHMOGREVIEW!!!

    I bet these people are related to the anonymous and unimportant people in “The Academy” who, ever year, piss on millions of brilliant actors and movies simply because they aren’t good enough to act or direct or produce.

    Except I feel sure that Blog Reviewers are even LESS important than, say, the person hired to sweep up Bossy’s Great Dane’s toe nail clippings.

    P.S. – Guess and Press is like my morning coffee!


48. 48
    on July 10th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
    laurie said:

    I don’t understand reviewing in general because I am probably missing those brain cells (see: the winter of 2004) but you are always bringing the hee-larity, and I love you for it. So there.


49. 49
    on July 10th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
    Pete Dunn said:

    Fuck them. Your site kicks ass, which is why it’s on my blogroll. Duh.


50. 50
    on July 10th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
    Sparx said:

    Actually Bossy, I think they’re right. Because, you know you only make me laugh EVERY TIME I read you and I’m sure you could do better, like maybe 110 out of 83 for a total score of 45.6 and like, maybe I’d come back TWICE a day instead of only once. Boring, unfunny shitty shit shits? Methinks!


51. 51
    on July 10th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
    stella said:

    holy shit balls.

    im speechless.


52. 52
    on July 11th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
    Res Publica said:

    The first winner ever of the RoD Holiday Bake-Off 2005.

    God, just SHUT UP ALREADY!!! This December, you are going DOWN! Jumping! Is useless!!


53. 53
    on July 12th, 2007 at 11:39 am
    Suburban Kamikaze said:

    Too much clutter? So now we are expected to be all Pottery Barn on our websites too? Two-tone, with lots of wicker storage baskets for all the stray scitta? This is too much. We protest. We are leaving the beds unmade at Suburban Kamikaze for the rest of the summer.

    Please stop by and spill a drink.
    SK


54. 54
    on July 13th, 2007 at 2:35 am
    Mimi Lenox said:

    First of all, this is hysterical.
    Secondly, I submitted my blog for review recently and now I think I’ll just bow out gracefully before it’s too late.

    You are too funny. I like your bossiness.


55. 55
    on July 18th, 2007 at 8:14 am
    Ms Robinson said:

    Hey Bossy take it from an Australian who never takes any shit – you are good. We know it and you know it. I just went over and told him to fucking fuck off. Ok I didn’t but I told him he was shit basically. I shall get some big Aussie boys to go beat him up.

    Now I must return to being elegant and mysterious.