May 19, 2011

Ten Benefits Of The Upcoming Rapture

According to the above billboard located on an interstate near Bossy’s house, the end of the world will take place this coming Saturday.

Apparently it was Camping that predicted Judgment Day would be May 21, 2011 — but Bossy knows the real camping judgment day was an afternoon in August two years ago:

In whatever case, Bossy feels there are a few unexplored benefits of having only two more days left of the world. Shall we?

1. Bossy won’t have to weed her garden. Yes, that’s a garden.



2. Bossy won’t have to order next year’s wood for her wood pile. Yes that’s a wood pile.



3. Bossy will never have to determine if that thing on Stella’s ear is a tick or a scab. Shiver.



4. Bossy won’t have to yell at her family for the stuff always accumulating on the steps.



5. This tangled necklace can go screw itself.



6. Bossy won’t have to drink this lousy cup of coffee she burnt while it was reheating on the stovetop. Oh, wait. Yes she will.



7. Bossy won’t have to think about which of these dysfunctional clothing items should go to Goodwill.



8. Bossy will never ever never have to finish this whiney book.
9. Bossy won’t have to think of a 9th benefit of the upcoming rapture!
10. Ditto for the #10 benefit.

What can you avoid doing, esteemed council, with the fortunate timing of the end of the world?

permanent link to post

71 comments

1. 1
   on May 19th, 2011 at 12:53 pm
   Ami said:

   Ack! I read that horrible book for book club. We are a semi-diverse group of women, and we all hated that book. HATED it. Just put it down now and sell it to someone, don’t waste any more of your time trying to read it. Trust me, it doesn’t end well. The only satisfactory way for that book to end is to lock all the characters up together in a room, force them to be polite to eachother, and then let them die a quick death.


2. 2
   on May 19th, 2011 at 12:53 pm
   Maggie said:

   First, I want to say thank you for saying that book is whiny. I couldn’t stand it either and thought something was wrong with me because so many said it was “amazing”. I so do not get it.

   I won’t have to finish this data analysis, laundry and the eighty million half finished sewing/knitting projects. I will be sad to miss our family vacation to Disney in a couple weeks, though.


3. 3
   on May 19th, 2011 at 12:53 pm
   Kizz said:

   Don’t worry, if that was a tick you’d know. Blick.

   I will avoid cleaning my bathroom, doing my laundry and cooking next week’s lunches. And that’s just a beginning. Although, I don’t really expect to be, er, beamed (?) up ’cause I’m not exactly heaven material so maybe I’ll have to do all that anyway.


4. 4
   on May 19th, 2011 at 12:54 pm
   Maggie said:

   Ami! Thank you! I am so glad I am not the only one. I read it to the end thinking something interesting was going to happen. SPOILER ALERT: it didn’t.


5. 5
   on May 19th, 2011 at 12:56 pm
   Meg said:

   I have a tangled necklace that can go screw itself, too. And that nasty tub of the six year old’s undies, soaking there in the utility sink for the past few days? Screw that, too!


6. 6
   on May 19th, 2011 at 1:07 pm
   Charlie said:

   First let me thank Bossy for saving me the trouble of even starting Franzen’s book. I have this little game I play, where I go to a bookstore, find a copy of Franzen’s prior book, ‘The Corrections,’ open to a random page and read about 2 pages. I tell myself I’ll buy it if I can find one sentence that’s not self-indulgent crap. No luck yet. And since the Rapture is nigh, I can stop playing that silly game.

   Also thanks for the photos of Bossy’s garden and woodpile, tho I still think that our yard (which the Army Corps of Engineers Calls “Impact Zone 666″) and woodpile (which they call “are you kiddin’ me?”) are in worse shape.

   And what does Bossy mean, the steps aren’t storage space? Sheesh.

   Happy Rapture to all who are going to Heaven! And can I have your stuff?


7. 7
   on May 19th, 2011 at 1:08 pm
   Jami said:

   No cleaning the toilet or washing the dishes or vacuuming the carpet or picking up dirty clothes or … wait, that will be just like every other day. Never mind.

   I also did NOT like “Freedom”. Nor was I particularly enamored of “Eat, Pray, Love”.


8. 8
   on May 19th, 2011 at 1:10 pm
   Jami said:

   There will be a Looting Party for everyone left behind, BTW. I’m eyeballing a new red Jag and some matching killer strappy stilettos.


9. 9
   on May 19th, 2011 at 1:18 pm
   Debby said:

   Ditto stair situation which has been STRESSING ME OUT.

   Also, necklace, but replace necklace with lost diamond earring that dh hasn’t been informed about because it’s ont he carpet in the bedroom, unless it fell down the drain, and if the world ends Saturday he will NEVER KNOW


10. 10
    on May 19th, 2011 at 1:22 pm
    Z. Mulls said:

    I’m getting my hair cut on Saturday morning. Just in case.


11. 11
    on May 19th, 2011 at 1:26 pm
    Sharyn said:

    Gosh, I hope he’s wrong (again). The 21st is my son’s 14th birthday.


12. 12
    on May 19th, 2011 at 1:31 pm
    Jenn @ Juggling LIfe said:

    I’m a godless heathen, so I will have to do next week’s classwork for my graduate degree. Sigh.


13. 13
    on May 19th, 2011 at 1:35 pm
    Cactus Petunia said:

    Actually, the End of the World (I like to add “as we know it” when I say that ’cause then you can’t get that song outta your head) isn’t supposed to officially happen until October 21st. This Saturday’s event is The Rapture, wherein all the faithful will rise up and leave the rest of us Heathens and Unrepentant Sinners to party till the end. (Which explains the Monkees coming out of retirement…a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse) So quit worrying about the stairs. Nobody will be around to judge after Saturday! (But get that dang tick off Stella!)


14. 14
    on May 19th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
    BossysMom said:

    I heard some kind of announcement on the airwaves that suggested you get your affairs in order before Sat.
    WHAT?


15. 15
    on May 19th, 2011 at 1:52 pm
    Scottsdale Girl said:

    I will most definitely be left behind, which means I will still have to clean out “the office” or as I refer to it, my hoarder hole. *shudder*


16. 16
    on May 19th, 2011 at 2:06 pm
    Kelly H said:

    I am running my first half marathon on Sunday morning and I will be SERIOUSLY pissed off if the world ends the day BEFORE the race I’ve been training for SINCE JANUARY.

    However, I am hosting a cocktail party on Friday night and plan to eat the red velvet cake and have some champagne just in case, you know, the world does end the next day.


17. 17
    on May 19th, 2011 at 2:08 pm
    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said:

    Hmmm… I have a mountain of laundry sitting in my living room. But I’m not too worried. On the slim chance I head up to heaven, I’m sure my dirty clothes will magically clean themselves. And on the more realistic chance that I’m left behind, I’m pretty sure I won’t have to worry about impressing any one with clean clothes. Either way, things are looking up!


18. 18
    on May 19th, 2011 at 2:17 pm
    OH-Ang said:

    What about the time differences in the world? Does it happen at the same time or are people taken in shifts? Things I will be pondering between now and then…LOL


19. 19
    on May 19th, 2011 at 2:29 pm
    Carol M said:

    Whatever happens, I just hope it gets Blondie’s “Rapture” song OUT OF MY HEAD!!!


20. 20
    on May 19th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
    Suburban Kamikaze said:

    I see I’ve been thinking about it all wrong. Like I had stuff I needed to get done before the apocalypse. No wonder I never get to the bottom of my to-do list. Now you can safely accept this without the corresponding homework:
    http://www.suburbankamikaze.com/suburban_kamikaze/2011/05/seven-things-i-like-about-you.html
    Congratulations and goodbye,
    SK


21. 21
    on May 19th, 2011 at 2:56 pm
    Liz in Virginia said:

    1. Comes the Rapture, I will never shave my legs again — as God is my witness. Heh.

    2. RE: Clampetts — around here we call that look “The Return of the Joads.” I remind Bossy and any other council members that my nineteen-year-old son fell through the ceiling of our carport when he was twelve. We’re still in the planning stages of getting it repaired.


22. 22
    on May 19th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
    Shauna from Piece of Cake said:

    I’m pretty pumped about never having to shave my legs again.


23. 23
    on May 19th, 2011 at 3:42 pm
    Tootsie Farklepants said:

    My husband won’t have to pay his speeding ticket and I can stop nagging him for getting said speeding ticket. Thanks for the heads up on the book. Whiny was the same word I used to describe Eat Pray Love…which I finished 2/3 of and finally decided I didn’t care enough about the whiny author to give it another second of my time. The whole time I was reading it I wanted to slap her.


24. 24
    on May 19th, 2011 at 3:46 pm
    CS said:

    Oh! Lots of things I won’t have to deal with: mammogram; stair situation worse than yours because mine involves legos; deciding whether or not to get my kids’ teeth sealed; the big blob of pancake batter cooked onto the stovetop. . .I could go on about it until May 21st. PS your closet is very tidy!


25. 25
    on May 19th, 2011 at 4:02 pm
    Patricia Calef said:

    I won’t have to tell my co-irker just what a jerk he is. Though I kind of would like to.


26. 26
    on May 19th, 2011 at 4:09 pm
    Chrissy said:

    I saw the Monkees during their 20th reunion tour, along with Herman’s Hermits, The Grass Roots, and Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. My mom yelled “Take off your pants!” at Gary Puckett. She’s going to have to explain THAT one to St. Peter on Saturday.


27. 27
    on May 19th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
    mitzie said:

    CS, pleeze, pleeze, pleeze get your kids teeth sealed. Mine weren’t and I had a bizzilion cavities. My kids had theirs sealed and ” look ma! NO cavities.” Cavities are the slippery slope that leads to crowns and root canals. I know they are your kids and you get to decide and all. I’m just saying.


28. 28
    on May 19th, 2011 at 4:58 pm
    Mr Farty said:

    When the Rapture comes, I can finally quit checking Wikipedia for trivia like whatever happened to the fourth Monkee?
    I like the way Bossy’s stairs are decorated.


29. 29
    on May 19th, 2011 at 5:20 pm
    Meg at the Members Lounge said:

    I bummed I’m not going to be able to find that new Belvedere Bloody Mary vodka before the rapture. Dammit!


30. 30
    on May 19th, 2011 at 5:34 pm
    kidsmom said:

    Hated that book. Pointless.


31. 31
    on May 19th, 2011 at 5:49 pm
    naomi said:

    for some fun take some of your old clothes that you don’t know what to do with, and place complete sets of them randomly around town on friday night (being careful not to get caught) then sit back and watch the confusion

    i wonder how much money will disappear withe the preacher when he disappears on rapture day. i’m sure his trip to the azores with all the church funds will be quite rapturous. (skeptical? me?)


32. 32
    on May 19th, 2011 at 5:52 pm
    Jami said:

    @OH-Ang: it’s supposed to be at 6:00 PM by time zone and will be preceded by earthquakes in each time zone. (That’s really the OFFICIAL WORD. Really.) So, if you’re going, but you’re not quite ready and you live, say, in Georgia near the border with Alabama, you can step across the line into Alabama and get an extra hour.


33. 33
    on May 19th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
    Olivia said:

    Olivia won’t have to worry about planting her garden, stacking wood, finishing her renovations, buying her beach pass – oh shoot . . . what happens to the 90 litres of wine that Olivia made last winter?

    Olivia is staying behind – her rapture will be found in a bottle of wine . . . or 90.


34. 34
    on May 19th, 2011 at 7:46 pm
    corrie said:

    I guess I could stop worrying about money…


35. 35
    on May 19th, 2011 at 8:05 pm
    GrandeMocha said:

    I just hope it is before the party with the in-laws at noon.


36. 36
    on May 19th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
    Cupcake Murphy said:

    Ruh-roh. I am afraid there won’t be enough time before Saturday to come visit each and every one of you who hated Freedom in order to read it out loud to you so you can point out the specific parts that aren’t perfect and then we can discuss over tea and crumpets and possibly several bottles of cabernet.


37. 37
    on May 19th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
    Gail K. said:

    What Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said.

    We may actually live in the same living room, but with all the laundry in there, who knows??


38. 38
    on May 19th, 2011 at 9:34 pm
    alanaransley said:

    The upside to the world ending Saturday is that I won’t have to fix the ice maker or wash the mountain of dirty clothes that we have. The downside is that I won’t ever get to use my brand-new nursing degree that has consumed my time and energy (not to mention draining our finances) for the past three years. I guess I won’t have to worry about those student loans…


39. 39
    on May 19th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
    p.j. said:

    My daughter will graduate from high school on Sunday at noon. I am pretty sure most of the other 25 seniors and their families will also be at City Hall at noon. City Hall is definitely not getting “raptured.” We are an irreverent bunch, and for good measure we include plenty of Jewish types. We will stay behind to eat lots of cheesecake on Shavuot in three weeks.
    See you all next week, p.j.


40. 40
    on May 19th, 2011 at 10:50 pm
    Piper "Ace" Benjamin said:

    I am going to avoid thinking about the probability of whether the three street tacos, chips and salsa, and orange sherbet ice cream cone I ate tonight will make my ass and thighs get bigger overnight.
    Off to the freezer for one more scoop.


41. 41
    on May 19th, 2011 at 11:18 pm
    Caroline said:

    Giving a tough speech on Sunday, in front of the 501(c)(3) I founded in 2003. This is my last real speech as president, and I’m just torn up about opening my hands and… letting it go. I mean, this is my BABY. And have I mentioned that I hate public speaking more than anything? I’d rather have a PAP SMEAR. So, while I’d mourn my pals who get raptured (I have absolutely every expectation that I, a Committed Heathen, will be Left Behind), I will NOT mourn a missed opportunity to give a speech. Because of COURSE I will not be giving a speech. I’ll be too busy looting. ;o)


42. 42
    on May 19th, 2011 at 11:43 pm
    Joie said:

    Hopefully, I can avoid all those Christian fundamentalists who make life difficult for the rest of us. (Oh yeah, and I’m an Episcopal priest;-)


43. 43
    on May 19th, 2011 at 11:48 pm
    Carolyn said:

    It’s my birthday–I’ll be 29!!! Guess I’ll end my second decade with a bang


44. 44
    on May 19th, 2011 at 11:53 pm
    amy said:

    I was in the States yesterday and saw that message plastered on a trailer. Daughter told me we should charge tix to Australia (where she SO wants to go) and leave immediately.

    If I really believed the world was ending Saturday I would be really quite bummed as I am leaving for Holland on Sunday for a visit with my lil sis. I would be really pissed off that I spent the last week of my life cleaning, organizing and getting ready for the trip.

    I am kind of looking forward to seeing what dude has painted on his trailer next


45. 45
    on May 20th, 2011 at 8:01 am
    Sewmouse said:

    I’m looking forward to Saturday – because if they are right, that will be the very LAST time that I’ll have idiots coming to my door trying to force THEIR version of GAH onto me.

    And I’ll never, ever, have to encounter them again – FOR ETERNITY!!!!


46. 46
    on May 20th, 2011 at 9:56 am
    Alison said:

    I can avoid having to pay my damn energy bill!!!


47. 47
    on May 20th, 2011 at 11:15 am
    pam said:

    ew i have a job interview on monday for a job i don’t want! score 1 for the apocalypse!!!


48. 48
    on May 20th, 2011 at 11:27 am
    Snow said:

    I will not have to worry about shopping for a bathing suit, which means I think I will go and enjoy a bagel with cream cheese! Yahoooo!


49. 49
    on May 20th, 2011 at 11:42 am
    Gretchen said:

    I won’t have to keep coming up with plausible excuses about why I haven’t “found a church that fits me” to my pastor friend and his wife. They will have been lifted up already, I guess!


50. 50
    on May 20th, 2011 at 11:47 am
    Kris said:

    Mowing the lawn??? Screw it! Scooping shit out of the horse barn??? Screw it! Going to the ever-so-boring party my mother-in-law is throwing??? Screw it…and her! Car payment?? Screw it! Think I’ll get drunk and eat an entire bag of Doritos because it’s obviously not going to matter, is it??


51. 51
    on May 20th, 2011 at 12:01 pm
    Summer said:

    I am anxiously looking forward to the spin machines post-Rapture trying to explain why we are all still here. Plus, I’m on the west coast, so I can just watch for news of what happens at 6:00 p.m. EDT and plan accordingly. Mostly I think I’ll just be enjoying some wine and planning for December 2012.


52. 52
    on May 20th, 2011 at 12:20 pm
    Amy said:

    Well, then I guess I better raid the store for chocolate. To late to get the really good stuff (Belgian) and I can’t make it to the local chocolatier (no alcohol in their centers, dropped them a point) so its on for the cheap stuff. And when I won’t have to pay the bill! But now I won’t have to feel guilty for not reading Eat, Freedom, or any of the other must reads, cutting the grass which is to my knees, cleaning out the yard, the gardens, the garage, the basement, the attice or any of the other chores that have been waiting for a free day…


53. 53
    on May 20th, 2011 at 1:32 pm
    joeinvegas said:

    Not having to go to work next Monday. Weather this weekend is supposed to be beautiful, so those of us left behind will at least enjoy part of our stay here.


54. 54
    on May 20th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
    Debby said:

    Follow up to #9! I found the earring! Now, I’m ready.

    Well, except for the stair situation. Still there.


55. 55
    on May 20th, 2011 at 5:32 pm
    Style Maniac said:

    Never having to clean the house again: now that’s true rapture.


56. 56
    on May 20th, 2011 at 6:06 pm
    kathy said:

    Can I get off this frickin’ diet now?


57. 57
    on May 20th, 2011 at 9:02 pm
    Chesapeake Bay Woman said:

    Finally. Permission to relax. Rapture, indeed.


58. 58
    on May 20th, 2011 at 9:31 pm
    Deborah said:

    Dunno….but I do need to find the lost Monkee!


59. 59
    on May 20th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
    Craftwhack said:

    I am sooooo excited for the judgment! I don’t know whether to throw a party or hide under my table and chew my nails down to nubbins. But I do know that my stairs look exactly like yours! Someone needs to invent stair cubby holes with doors for things we need to remember to carry up/down stairs.


60. 60
    on May 20th, 2011 at 10:41 pm
    the muskrat said:

    I’m not going to floss tonight. Because fuck it, that’s why.


61. 61
    on May 20th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
    michael moebes said:

    I’m not going to respond to opposing counsel’s Motion to Dismiss. It’s ugly anyway.


62. 62
    on May 21st, 2011 at 9:28 am
    KathyB said:

    Six year old, once rebuilt, monster dlp television stopped using the color blue yesterday. Everything is orange and yellow and a little garish. After watching a few minutes if you look away all surfaces have a blue wash. Harbinger?

    I’ll still set DVR to record the Preakness just because. Go Animal Kingdom!


63. 63
    on May 21st, 2011 at 11:49 am
    Iowamom said:

    I will not have to pretend that I enjoy my flower garden! I hate it with the fire of a million suns. I will be bummed that I’ll miss the marathon that I’ve been training for. Oh well, I’m thinking that this whole thing is a hoax. GASP!


64. 64
    on May 21st, 2011 at 12:23 pm
    Gramps said:

    I heard that it will occur at 6pm in each time zone. So, let’s party early today.
    By the way, just finished a little gem of a book (my opinion) called I REMEMBER NOTHING by Nora Ephron. Probably has more meaning to us old farts


65. 65
    on May 21st, 2011 at 4:07 pm
    ASuburbanLife said:

    Ha! I love #5!


66. 66
    on May 21st, 2011 at 7:02 pm
    AmberStar said:

    It is 6:01 here and no sign of an earthquake and there has been nothing on the news about other time zones, so I’m guessing this is the same deal as the rapture which didn’t amount to much.


67. 67
    on May 21st, 2011 at 10:45 pm
    Teeny Tina said:

    17 minutes remaining of May 21 in the Atlantic time zone. I guess I need to put all this frickin’ laundry away.


68. 68
    on May 21st, 2011 at 11:52 pm
    amy said:

    Still kicking over here in BC Canada. I delayed deciding what to make for dinner to no avail. Still had to make it


69. 69
    on May 21st, 2011 at 11:54 pm
    Poppy said:

    Wondering why those near and dear to me still seem to be here and present. Oh yeah, we are all HEATHENS!!


70. 70
    on May 22nd, 2011 at 7:21 pm
    mrv said:

    Are you all gone and I’m the only one here?


71. 71
    on May 23rd, 2011 at 10:30 am
    Lia said:

    You beeches are crazy, I loved that book. So glad the rapture didn’t happen so I can read it again and again and again.